I am writing this, because I realize that my silence may be scaring some of you. It is not like me to disappear offline like this.
I wish I could say that I’m okay, and don’t worry. Truth is, I despise seeing people whine about their lives on social media. So, I’m not going to do that.
In fact, I am not looking for sympathy or help in anyway. I am looking for silence.
I spent all of last week, trying to pick up the phone and call my doctor for the results of my latest blood work. I failed. Every time I tried picking up the phone, I felt my eyes burn and my voice disappearing.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not afraid of the results. I’m pretty sure that they are going to be fine. It was just a check up, to see if my B12 level has stabilized. I just can’t pick up the phone.
I have a friend, who love dearly, and who had a cancer scare last week. I couldn’t pick up the phone when she called me. Not because I did not want to talk to her, but… I don’t know. I could not fucking answer her when she called, to talk about something as horrible as maybe having cancer.
Which raises the question, what is wrong with me?
Loads of things, I guess.
I guess I could rationalize it, and say that we might be losing Dark Mare Pictures, and I have no idea how to pay my bills next month. That ought to drive anyone insane, right?
Truth is, I’ve been in hard spots before. I never before, lost the power to keep fighting. I am, this time. I just don’t have it in my anymore.
Now, I’m not suicidal, lets be clear on that. Never was, never will be. I lost Janis to suicide, I know what that does to those you leave behind and I am never doing that to anyone.
I am in trouble, though. And I have no idea where to turn.
It’s not like I can call up a psychiatrist and ask for help. First of all, because I despise my phone at the moment, and second, because those guys cost money, and if I was going to ask for help that way, I’d probably have to sell my horses to pay for it. Which is never going to happen.
I am finding myself a little without a safety net at the moment, and for the first time, I am beginning to wonder if I will bounce back. I used to believe that I would. I always had my ups and downs, but somehow I always clawed my way out of my own hell. This time, I am not sure I can. At least not, unless I get to take some time off, from being me.
So, I am sorry for everyone I am not answering at the moment, be it on twitter, face book, tumblr, instagram, or on my phone. I am sorry. I really am. Trust me, it is NOT you. It is me. It really is. And I am doing the only thing I can do at the moment.
I am trying to step back and breathe. And maybe do the dishes without crying for a change…
On the plus side, I have been writing again. I haven’t done that in a long time. Which leads me to another issue, with asking for help. I don’t want anti depressants, for instance. I don’t want my head to change. Not really. I would be nothing without my stories.
I realize that most of you have no idea that I’m struggling, and I really wanted to keep it that way, but I think I owe those of you I am failing, an explanation for my silence. I wish I had one. For now, this is what I have to offer. I am sorry. I can’t. I just can’t.
I am not letting go of my blog, or of any of my social media pages, because I do hope that in time, I’ll be back. But for now, I need to sit back, play My Little Pony, watch Supernatural, hug my horses, and write on my books. The rest of the world has to be silent for a moment.
Don’t contact me, to tell me that you are here, if I want to talk. I know you all mean well. But I don’t want to talk, and I don’t want pity. I need silence.
And maybe, if some of you wanna go hunt some Pokemon, I’m still up for that. Just text me. No messenger. No calling. I still answer text messages. Mostly. And I still play Pokemon. Somehow, fighting virtual monsters really works for me…
So, all in all, this blog may be quiet for a while, like the rest of my profiles, while I find a way to deal with me. Wish me luck. But, ah… No, don’t. It is already driving me insane to see how many notifications I get on face book, when I don’t open it every day.
Thank you all, for thinking of me. And just to prove that I haven’t lost my sense of humor, (or lack there of,) am going to include my diploma from Gishwhes.
Yeah, I finally have it on paper, that I’m a weirdo.
Okay, that made me smile. Thanks SPN Family.
I do check my email once in a while. Mostly to keep up with my gym, because if they cancel or move our training sessions around, they usually contact us via email. And yes, I still work out. I am not just sitting in the dark, brooding. I promise. Not… just.