It has been a long time since I have sat down and updated this blog. Lately, I have not felt like writing at all, and especially not about my life, which is usually what happens on this blog.
The truth is, that aside from posting a picture on Instagram or checking twitter for news about Pokemon Go, I have hardly been online at all.
I even, kind of, missed the Mishapocalypse.
Now, for those of you not in the Supernatural fandom, that might mean nothing, but for us Mishaminions, the Mishapocalypse is one of the best days on the internet. April first, everyone is Misha. We change our profile picture, and on twitter and tumblr, we change our names as well, and the confusion is utterly complete when every single notification you get begins with “Misha Collins commented on…”
Adding to that, we post poorly photo shopped pictures and gifs, all of them wearing Misha’s face. And not just any Misha face. It is the same picture, agreed upon world wide. It is one of the most fascinating happenings I have ever witnessed of people all over the world, uniting once a year, to… be Misha.
As silly as it may seem, I met some of my best friends on twitter, while we were all Misha.
And this year I was just… Offline. I will admit, it hurt. But I accidentally made plans with some of my friends, to go to the gym, play pokemon, and spend the evening playing board games. I have no idea how I did not realize that I was going to be offline all day for the Mishapocalypse, when we planned it, but once it hit me, I did not want to change the plans.
You have to be in the fandom to truly understand how amazing it is, and as much as I did not think that my friends would get why I was bailing on them, I guess there was another reason why I did not.
I actually like these guys.
Imagine that. Me, liking people. Enough to miss one of the most important internet things of the whole year. I like spending time with them.
I think I’m going soft. Am I turning normal? Or have I just found a few people, as crazy as me?
Our day took us by the stable. I had actually planned on making the boyfriend take the horses, so we did not have to, but my friends wanted to meet the kiddos.
I am always a bit shy about showing off my horses. I am so used to having crazy horses, and to having to tell people to stay out of the pasture, like, “don’t touch the red one,” “careful with the fat one, he looks nice but he will go through you,” or simply “no eye contact,” and here we are. My gang is the cutest, most embracing horses.
I still warn people to make no sudden moves next to Marble, but the truth is, I don’t even think I need to anymore. Maybe, I shouldn’t. Maybe I am putting people on edge around her, making her more likely to get upset.
What really hit me that day, was Saleem.
He has not been doing good for a long time now. He has been struggling to eat, not every day, but it is a recurring problem, and he is still way too skinny. On top of that, with the changing weather, his hooves has been a nightmare, and we have fought our way through two hoof abscesses lately.
I will admit, looking at this horse, I have asked myself some rather tough questions lately.
If he can’t gain weight, if his teeth are too much of a problem, what do I do then? Do I drive him to Sjælland, and leave him at the hospital, to have his jaw broken and his teeth extracted? Do I drag him through that kind of pain and slow recovery?
Maybe, he would have 10 happy, pain free years, afterwards and it would be worth it. Maybe he would die from the anesthetics during surgery.
Maybe his hooves would be too much of a problem, or something else would get to him, making the painful surgery and slow healing process seem cruel, and selfish from my side.
I know that in life, there are no guarantees. It is completely up to me if I decide that he needs surgery, or if I decide that he doesn’t. It is also up to me, if I decide that the best thing for him might be to not be here anymore.
I am so tired of asking myself these questions. I lived for 15 years with Poseidon, asking myself if today was the day, every single day. I am not sure I have it in me to keep doing it. To keep making it through another day like that.
Saleem is pretty tired of me as well, which is not helping our case. The truth is, most of the time, I don’t see him as a happy horse. Most of the time, he walks away when he sees me.
Saleem has always been closed off. I always felt that I had a hard time connecting with him, and I know, rationally, that I am the one who cleans his wounds, cuts his hoof abscess open, administer antibiotics… I understand why he is tired of me, because it feels like the only times I am interacting with him lately, is when I have to do something mean to him. But maybe that has made me believe that he is unhappier than he is.
Once my friends showed up on the pasture, Apocalipse were first on the scene, of course. Always curious, always ready for new things, he brought Ablaze along too.
They lost interest pretty quickly, both of them. But Saleem lingered. And talked to my friends.
He let them touch his face and everything.
Saleem is a headshaker, touching his face is not something I do a lot, because he never seem to like it. But these guys got to pet him. And he stayed with them for quite a long time.
I guess that I have been so focused on him, losing weight, and having problems that I forgot to see the light in him. The will to live he still, absolutely has. The open and kind heart, that is in no way ready to surrender.
So what, if he blames me for everything that is wrong in his life? So what, if he walks away when I show up? As long as he is happy, when I am not around, I guess I will just have to make more of an effort to spend time with him, where I am not doing something he don’t like. I can handle not being his favorite person in the world, as long as I know that it is me he has a problem with, and not life in general.
Seeing how he interacted with these strangers I brought into his life, I am pretty sure that he IS happy, most of the time and that I have no right to even consider giving up on him.
It turns out, that missing the Mishapocalypse to hang out with my friends might have been the best thing I have done in a long time, because it made me see Saleem in a new light.
Now, I know, that I will continue to wonder about him, and I can’t quite stop me from thinking that he has suffered through a lot already and everything has its limits, but I know too, that if he had been truly sick of this life, if he had been in real pain from his teeth for instance, he would not have showed up to talk to strangers.
That, more than anything, is reliving me of a bit of the guilt I feel when I look at him and think that he is not doing well.
He is doing well enough to not isolate himself, except for from me. Noted. I guess that is something to think about.