I Am Sorry

I am writing this, because I realize that my silence may be scaring some of you. It is not like me to disappear offline like this.

I’m sorry.

I wish I could say that I’m okay, and don’t worry. Truth is, I despise seeing people whine about their lives on social media. So, I’m not going to do that.

In fact, I am not looking for sympathy or help in anyway. I am looking for silence.

I spent all of last week, trying to pick up the phone and call my doctor for the results of my latest blood work. I failed. Every time I tried picking up the phone, I felt my eyes burn and my voice disappearing.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not afraid of the results. I’m pretty sure that they are going to be fine. It was just a check up, to see if my B12 level has stabilized. I just can’t pick up the phone.

I have a friend, who  love dearly, and who had a cancer scare last week. I couldn’t pick up the phone when she called me. Not because I did not want to talk to her, but… I don’t know. I could not fucking answer her when she called, to talk about something as horrible as maybe having cancer.

Which raises the question, what is wrong with me?

Loads of things, I guess.

I guess I could rationalize it, and say that we might be losing Dark Mare Pictures, and I have no idea how to pay my bills next month. That ought to drive anyone insane, right?

Truth is, I’ve been in hard spots before. I never before, lost the power to keep fighting. I am, this time. I just don’t have it in my anymore.

Now, I’m not suicidal, lets be clear on that. Never was, never will be. I lost Janis to suicide, I know what that does to those you leave behind and I am never doing that to anyone.

I am in trouble, though. And I have no idea where to turn.

It’s not like I can call up a psychiatrist and ask for help. First of all, because I despise my phone at the moment, and second, because those guys cost money, and if  I was going to ask for help that way, I’d probably have to sell my horses to pay for it. Which is never going to happen.

I am finding myself a little without a safety net at the moment, and for the first time, I am beginning to wonder if I will bounce back. I used to believe that I would. I always had my ups and downs, but somehow I always clawed my way out of my own hell. This time, I am not sure I can. At least not, unless I get to take some time off, from being me.

So, I am sorry for everyone I am not answering at the moment, be it on twitter, face book, tumblr, instagram, or on my phone. I am sorry. I really am. Trust me, it is NOT you. It is me. It really is. And I am doing the only thing I can do at the moment.

I am trying to step back and breathe. And maybe do the dishes without crying for a change…

On the plus side, I have been writing again. I haven’t done that in a long time. Which leads me to another issue, with asking for help. I don’t want anti depressants, for instance. I don’t want my head to change. Not really. I would be nothing without my stories.

I realize that most of you have no idea that I’m struggling, and I really wanted to keep it that way, but I think I owe those of you I am failing, an explanation for my silence. I wish I had  one. For now, this is what I have to offer. I am sorry. I can’t. I just can’t.

I am not letting go of my blog, or of any of my social media pages, because  I do hope that in time, I’ll be back. But for now, I need to sit back, play  My Little Pony, watch Supernatural, hug my horses, and write on my books. The rest of the world has to be silent for a moment.

Don’t contact me, to tell me that you are here, if  I want to talk. I know you all mean well. But I don’t want to talk, and I don’t want pity. I need silence.

And maybe, if some of you wanna go hunt some Pokemon, I’m still up for that. Just text me. No messenger. No calling. I still answer text messages. Mostly. And I still play Pokemon. Somehow, fighting virtual monsters really works for me…

So, all in all, this blog may be quiet for a while, like the rest of my profiles, while I find a way to deal with me. Wish me luck. But, ah… No, don’t. It is already driving me insane to see how many notifications I get on face book, when I don’t open it every day.

Thank you all, for thinking of me. And just to prove that I haven’t lost my sense of humor, (or lack there of,) am going to include my diploma from Gishwhes.

Yeah, I finally have it on paper, that I’m a weirdo.


Okay, that made me smile. Thanks SPN Family.

I do check my email once in a while. Mostly to keep up with my gym, because if they cancel or move our training sessions around, they usually contact us via email.  And yes, I still work out. I am not just sitting in the dark, brooding. I promise. Not… just.

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My 10th Book!

I didn’t even realize until the other day, but Time Lock is my 10th book! That is so strange to think about. I started this blog 6 years ago, just before The Hand of Fate was released. And here we are. Ten books. And I’m no where near done writing.


I guess that is the curse of a writer. You are never done. There is always this story in your head, driving you insane if you don’t write it down.


So, apologies for the stupid pictures, it’s hard to pose with a bunch of books. Mostly because I am a writer, not a model. I prefer to hide behind my keyboard. Although I have been practicing my evil wizard pose…




Okay, so I still need to work on that 😂

If anyone is interested in the paperbacks, this is my page on Lulu; http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Kallikanzaros

And this is Time Lock, for those of you who just need the new one😉




And I promise I won’t do posts like this one too often. It’s just kinda huge for me, releasing my 10th book.

They are all e-books as well, on Amazon.com, just FYI. But as much as the kindle app is growing on me, allowing me to bring my stories with me every where in a way I never could before, there is still something special about holding the printed version in my hands.

I know I have been silent on this blog for a while now, and I honestly feel really bad about it. It is not entirely because I’ve been too busy to turn on the computer. Most days, lately, I have chosen not to. Sometimes I just need quiet in my head, to hear all the little voices that wants to tell me where to take their story next.


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Moving In

Let me start by apologizing for the quality of the pictures in this post. My Nokia is still at the shop- I think, I haven’t heard from them at all, so that’s great. My Samsung, that’s my Dark Mare phone, refuses to talk to my Asus Computer no matter how many programs I install and who I threaten to kill, so I am left with two options for transferring pictures.

One, the clever one, would be turning on the Dark Mare computer and just transferring them over the network. Nice and easy. But that does force me to turn on that computer, and quite frankly, its a bit daunting. I swear, it’s heavier than me, sounds like a windmill and I am always terrified that I’ll mess it up somehow.

The second option, the less clever one, would be emailing myself the pictures and saving them one by one. Only takes twice the time, but you know, what ever, right? Wrong. Gmail destroys pictures these days. That’s new. Lesson learned. Anyway. So, these pictures are pixelated, curtsy of gmail and my laziness.

But I wanted to update on the horses at their new home and of course on our house building. We didn’t get to place the roof tiles the day we were building the house in the pouring rain, so we had to do that soon. Also, the horses has a house, but they don’t want to use it. They prefer to run outside, playing in the rain.


So I’ll be the one hiding in the house.


Trust me, it is pouring down in these pictures. It’s not just pixels…


Saleem and Apocalipse even started playing again. I have to say, its been the warmest September I can remember so far, so the rain does not bother them at all.




Now, usually I’d say that this was the huge difference between Saleem and his son. Apocalipse lowers his head and raises his back, while Saleem stumbles along with his back lowered, but look at this. He is nowhere near carrying himself like Apocalipse, but he is actually not losing his back either.


A picture like that will make me jump for joy for days.

At the old stable, the ground was drained, but it was still very wet. When we set up our house, there was loads of clay in the ground, which of course makes it wet and not exactly perfect for horse hooves. I knew that. But truth be told, most Danish soil is full of clay.

This new place though, is gravel. Believe it or not. It has actually been tested and found perfect for a gravel pit. Is that what its called in English? Anyway. Long story short, this soil is dirt and gravel. Not dirt and clay. And it shows.

All my horses hooves changed practically over night when I moved them. No more soft soles, or flawed frogs. They just hardened up and became shiny and smooth to touch. I have never seen anything like it. But looking at the improvement in Saleem’s posture and his usually tender hooves, I am not imagining things. This pasture is amazing.


Since I sleep better knowing that they have their roof, and since they only use the “real” house for looking at their own reflection in the windows, I had to get the roof tiles on my house.


Yeah, Apocalipse and Ablaze has never seen themselves before, growing up without windows. They do find that entertaining. Unless it rains on the roof. Then you have to run out, because that’s a weird noise, you know… Creepy house… It’s got walls and all… Who’d wanna live there?


I gotta agree though, that IS one beautiful horse…

Back to my house. My uncle offered to show up after work early in the week and help out with the roof tiles. I am still kinda traumatized by the last time we set them up, so having two men on the project, (the boyfriend included,) was making me feel less like jumping off a bridge at the thought of those roof tiles. Also, he is so tall, he hardly needs a ladder.


Which is pretty good, because the kiddos love ladders. And anything else they are not supposed to play with. Like screwdrivers and power drills and electric cords. I spent most of the time kindly asking them “don’t eat that,” and “please don’t touch the ladder,” and “could you not step on that cord…”


What can I say, my kiddos are very curious and always ready to help out with anything. Like eating the house, while we are building it. In his defense, I could have just let him eat the ladder…


Roof tiles are a bother though, no matter how awesome you are. It took forever. I bet my uncle is happy he found me now…


30 years of no contact, I never even knew he existed, and this is what I throw at him? I guess that is equestrians for you… Sorry😉 They were really good though.


We didn’t finish the roof entirely, because it got too dark, but we only left a few tiles. Aston and I picked that up yesterday, hoping to finish the house while waiting for my hay man to show up. You did see the grass, right? Yes, we need hay. My kiddos couldn’t possibly live off grass alone, what do I take them for? Horses?

The hay man ended up talking for a while, since it was a new place and all, and so, it got dark again. So we are still missing a few of the support beams, but aside from that, its done. (No worries, as long as there is no heavy snow, the support beams are not important.)

The sun was murder today, and my girls found the house. I am so proud of them.


They just moved right back in. This was always their house, but they could never share it. So this is huge.


Of course, they didn’t have it for long. Once the boys realized that the girls was moving in, the showed up.


They are such a good group those three. If only they could be under the same roof as the girls.


But that’s why I wanted this roof up. I need two places of shelter for my kiddos, so I can sleep at night, knowing that if anypony is outside in the snow storms, come winter, it is because they want to be, not because they got kicked out.

All in all, it was a lot easier, moving the house, than I had feared it would be. Mostly because my uncle and his wife, and my friend and her husband showed up and helped digging the holes, and because my uncle came by to help with the tiles.

As much as I have been working out, I AM able to handle the roof tiles on my own now, (when we set it up the first time, I could not,) but I will admit, having two or three men around, does make things a lot easier.

THANK YOU GUYS! The kiddos approve of the house. Which makes it perfect.

And if this post is a little scrambled, I’m sorry. I am a little scrambled at the moment. I’ll get my head together, promise.

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I bought my very first smart phone this year in January. I never wanted one because when it was cold at the stable, my hands always got too cold to navigate the touch screen on the boyfriends phone, and I was terrified of standing in the stable one day, with a sick horse, and a phone that wouldn’t respond.

But, I found a Nokia Lumia 720 that promised that I could use it even while wearing gloves. Right from the get go, it was glitchy. It kept turning off on its own accord, and when it did that, it was completely out. No talking to the computer, no recharging, no restarting. Nothing. Then, 5 or 10 minutes later, it would jump back into life like by magic and ask for a pin code. Aside from the obvious problem with it doing it when I was sleeping, and as such not triggering the alarm clock, because I hadn’t given it a pin code, I learned to live with it. I hate asking for help or taking something back. I really don’t want to be a bother.

The camera was glitchy too, once in a while it would overexpose the pictures and go green screen. I could always reset that, though, by restarting the phone.

And let’s not talk about how it refused to sign into Tumblr, or how it would crash every time someone I followed on Instagram posted a video. But all in all, I adored this phone. It suited me. It really did. I always liked Nokia.

Even if it doesn’t support My Little Pony or Pokemon Go…

But the other day, I was watching Supernatural on the computer, while tweeting on my phone with one of my besties from France. I know that Twitter is hard on the phone and it was kicking me off the page at random, but it mostly got the job done. And then I noticed the cat being adorable and figured I’d open the camera and snap a picture of her.

So, without closing Twitter, I pressed the camera button. The phone instantly turned black screen and wrote “resuming” across it. It means that it was thinking, while processing the request I made. It did that a lot so I didn’t instantly panic. When it had refused to move on from “resuming” for a while, I pressed the windows button. That usually takes it back to the “Home” page, closing twitter and whatever else it couldn’t work out how to handle.

Nothing happened. I then tried shutting it down. Nothing. Just nothing.


And then the screen timed out and the phone was gone, only it wasn’t turned off, it was just utterly none responsive. I tried recharging it, and the screen lit up again.


So I connected it to the computer and emptied it of my pictures and music. That worked. Luckily.

I bought this phone online, from YouSee.

I figured I could just take it to one of their shops and have it fixed. Or something. It is less than a year old, and there wasn’t a scratch on it.

So naive me, I drove to their shop at Rosengårds Centeret to hand it in. I am still in shock.

First, I had to wait an hour at the shop, before they even had time to see me. Then, the guy refused to help me. He said that he needed a receipt. Otherwise I could have bought the phone anywhere!

I asked him to just look it up in his system. Everything is online now. My YouSee is pretty easy to use, and every single detail you could ever need on me and my phone was right there at the edge of his finger tips.

He could not do that! If the phone had not been bought at that particular store, there was no way he could look it up! And six months ago, when I bought my phone, they weren’t YouSee, they were TDC at this store, so he couldn’t possibly find me!

I could already feel my brain melting, asking him how that could be? Could it really be true that because I bought my phone online, through THEIR online store, I had no safety net? No warranty?

He said he needed a receipt. If I had bought it online, I would have an email receipt. Which would have been easy to show him, if my phone had worked, but it did not, you know…

Luckily I had the Dark Mare phone with me and I called Aston and asked him to send the receipt to my work email. He did. And I showed the dude.

He said that it wasn’t good enough. It was just an order confirmation. Not a receipt. There was no way he could accept that.

I told him that it was all I had on it. He refused to listen or hear anything I had to say.

Honestly, he was condescending, demeaning, rude and downright mean. I have rarely met anyone who felt that they had the right to treat me like that. I was so stunned that I could feel myself falling apart.

I called Aston again, to ask if we had ANYTHING else on that phone, but when he picked up, I could not speak, because I was crying, so I just handed the phone to the dude. He then proceeded to be kind and friendly to Aston, while sticking to his story about not being able to do anything.

I was stunned. On top of his complete refusal to do his job, he was clearly disrespecting me because I was a woman, since he was so polite and friendly to a stranger on a phone and so mean to me. Once he hung up, I took my Nokia and left.

I then called their online phone line and the woman I got on the line there, told me that he was an idiot. He could easily look me up and the email I had was all they ever sent out, so that was the email he needed. She basically told me to go back and tell him to do his job and if he wouldn’t, to call her.

So, I went back, and Aston went with me. We told him what their call center woman had told me and he instantly started shouting at me, telling me to not make a scene in his shop. I could only reply with, that I was not the one making a scene. I was not even the one with the raised voice. But he needed to do his job.

I asked him for his name. Which made him even angrier, for a while, but then he turned to Aston, and calmed, ignoring me.

That kind of thing piss me off. It was MY phone, I was the customer. Don’t fucking talk to the man by my side. Look at me. Talk to me. You son of a… I kept quiet though, watching in mute disbelief. I can’t understand how anyone working a job like that, can have such obvious disregard for women. Anyway.

Aston said exactly what I had said, and the dude relaxed and listened and decided to help out. So it took me six hours, two drives to the store and a lot of verbal abuse, just the hand in the phone.

I had asked him the first time I was there, instead of sending it in for reparation,if he knew of a trick to jump start it when it was frozen like that, because if he did, I’d probably not want to send it in.

He had flat out refused.

Then, when Aston asked him to take a look at it before shipping it off, he instantly pushed the right three buttons at the same time and it snapped out of the “resuming” screen.

I was speechless yet again. That was ALL I wanted. Just show me those three buttons alright, and I would have left!

But now we went through all that hell, so I decided to send it in anyway. Clearly it isn’t easy with YouSee, to get help, so this close to actually having it looked at, I guess I shouldn’t back down.

I made a point out of taking pictures of it with the Dark Mare phone, before letting him have it.

And in the end, he did apologize if we had had a bad experience. “We.” Not me. Aston and me. Thanks. I wonder if I hadn’t had a man I could bring with me, if he would have ever listened.

I have never tried anything like this. All I can say is that I am NEVER buying a phone online again, and NEVER from YouSee. And if I need anything from them from now on, the shop at Rosengårds Centeret, is NOT the one to visit. I have rarely felt this violated, walked all over and bullied.

I showed up with my phone broken. My phone. My lifeline. My safety net for my horses, my contact to my online friends, my contact with anyone I ever want to get in touch with. The number for my hay man. Without it, how am I to feed my horses? I mean, come on. I needed help. And he kicked me in the face, even when I broke down and cried, he continued to kick me. Despite the fact that nothing I asked for was unreasonable and when Aston asked him to do it, he did.

Really, it is not that I am weak. I just can’t handle when people treat me differently because I don’t have a fucking penis. It always bothered me. It is completely stripping me of all human rights, degrading and demeaning me. I don’t have the words. My brain just jams when I run into a person like that.

So now they have my phone for the next 14 days, minus transport, so with the Danish post office, that’s gonna be a month. Speed of light, that company.

All in all, thumbs up to the YouSee call center lady. She was cool. Aside from her, I have to say, stay away from YouSee. I am pretty sure that the way this guy refused to help, wasn’t all because he was a chauvinist. It seems like company policy. Also, it is true. I don’t HAVE a receipt. Not a real one. They don’t write them out on purpose, it would seem. Even now, when I handed in my phone, I got nothing confirming that I gave them my phone.

Which is a little unsettling, looking back. I was just too thrown by it all to ask for one.

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Thunderstorm And The House

My aunt and uncle, and one of my band mates and her boyfriend volunteered to help the boyfriend and me, set up the horsey house. Planning it kinda happened on its own as they were available all four of them today. Perfect, right?


Trusting my luck, they were promising thunderstorm all day. I wrote to my aunt yesterday, saying “Look, they are saying the weather is going to be horrible. You guys still on?”

She was pretty unfazed by the promise of spending a day digging holes on my pasture, during a thunderstorm, so I figured that, okay. Maybe it wasn’t going to be that bad.

When morning came, it was pouring down and the online weather was warning us that the weather was going to be dangerous. I messaged my band mate and her husband, asking if they wanted to bail. I mean, really, no hard feelings.

Truth be told, I was kinda waiting for one of them to back out, giving me the perfect excuse to not spend the day in the pouring rain. But they did not.

So, we met up. And it rained. I don’t have a lot of pictures, because I spent most of the day soaked to the bone, despite my rain clothes, and my touch screen was over responsive. It gets that way when its wet. Which is why most of the pictures are out of focus too.


It went remarkably well, all things considered. Everybody managed to keep their spirits up and the ground wasn’t too horrible to dig into, so the poles was up much faster than I had dared hope for. Also, my uncle is darn tall, and my mates husband is really strong, so between them and three equestrians, it was pretty smooth, despite the weather.


My band mate is pregnant, by the way, so she was mostly moral support, but that really counts as well, on a day like this.

The kiddos showed up once in a while, to check that we were doing the work properly. Mostly it was when it was really raining, they sought out their old house, and got pretty disappointed that there was no roof on it.


Because you know, the new house is impossible to use on a day like this. Who wants warm and dry during a thunderstorm? I’m actually really proud of them. They weren’t nearly as much in the way as I had feared they would be, and they handled the strangers on their pasture without problems. Ablaze only reared against my mates husband once… So that’s pretty good… He was wet and tired… And I’ll stop making excuses for him some day… But it is not this day!

Okay, I’m tired. You guys got the LOTR reference, right? Never mind.

All in all, it was a pretty good day, despite the weather.


We got much further than I had dared hope for. In fact, we only needed to place the roof tiles, when the weather finally got the better of us and we had to quit. And I don’t think I scared my friends away, too much… So that’s pretty awesome.

Also, THANK YOU! All four of you! It was amazing! Don’t know what I’d do without you guys🙂

And this song just showed up on the MLP playlist I’m listening to on Youtube, so that can’t be a coincidence.

That’s right. I’m tired, I’ve been wet all day, and some moron signed me up for Chuck knows how many hours at the gym tomorrow, and I’m listening to My Little Pony on youtube, while playing the pony game because… There is this event in the game, that runs out a little past midnight and I… Maybe need help. But I can’t go to bed just yet. Must win that digital pony… Must… Damn you Hasbro…

But, my kiddos are almost settled now. “Just” need the tiles placed. Some day when it’s not pouring down. It is going to be good. I’m pretty impressed that we managed to take it down and get it up again. Almost.


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Free E-book Promotion

Book two in The Legacy Series, Time Lock, is out now.

Stuck in time, Naim has to lay low.

But how can he hide that he is the greatest wizard ever born, and when push comes to shove, does he really want to let go of who he used to be?

Time Lock is book two in the Legacy series, and follows Naim as he is thrown head first into the equestrian world, where he finally meets a psychiatrist who is willing to go to great lengths to save his soul.

Check out the e-book;


Legacy – Time Lock; 


And the Paperback;



Celebrating the release, I have a few books up for FREE for the next 48 hours. The first book in The Legacy Series, Rockstar;

IMG_1935 FRONT PINKsmall

Legacy – Rockstar;


My poetry collection, This Song;

this song

This Song;


And the first book in The Starstone Series, The Hand of Fate;

hand of fate red front

Starstone – The Hand of Fate;


Check them out, and do share🙂

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The New House

We spent a lot of time last weekend, taking down the horses house, after we moved them. Now, its not that they don’t have a house at the new place. Its just that the new house is… well… traditional horse house style. Closed, dry, warm. Everything my kiddos aren’t happy with. Which is why I wanted to bring my own, open house.

But, until we get to raising my house, I decided to show the kiddos around in the new house, as they weren’t going near it on their own. I tried with a rope around Saleem’s neck, but he refused. So did Apocalipse. Rather than making a big deal out of it, I sat myself down in the doorway and started playing My Little Pony on my phone, waiting for curiosity to get the better of them. I just needed one.

I know, horsemanship is so much easier these days. Waiting like this is much less boring, with games and smartphones. When Poseidon and Apollon and Amalia were young, I sat for hours, doing nothing, waiting for them to come to me…

Anyway, Ablaze quickly started poking around me, unable as he is, to leave me alone. Tardis was right behind him, keeping an eye on her foal and once she realized that I was luring him inside this huge scary building, she pushed him aside and jumped in herself, ready to defend her foal from anything that might lurk in the dark.


The second she disappeared inside, the others came around. They were so not going to lose their Beta mare.


Yeah, there is a water cup. Ha. That’s gonna be funny. Anyway. Apocalipse started checking out the place and all of a sudden, they were all running in and out, having the time of their lives, seeing how fast they could jump in and out.


What I really liked to see, was that they could all be in there at once. Usually Tardis can’t be in the same house as the others, which is why I want two houses as well, so she isn’t forced to fit in if she don’t want to. But they were pretty amazing.


I never thought I’d see both girls inside the same house at the same time… The move has really done them good. They are a herd now. This is THEIR place. The old place was Apocalipse and Saleem’s. They were there first. Marble and Tarids was never really allowed to forget that they were immigrants. But here, they are all much more equal.


Hopefully they will remain so. My girls could use the peace and safety.


So, yeah. Here we are. It was pouring down rain today. They were outside. They really prefer the open space. But at least now they know where to seek shelter if it  gets too wet and cold. Hopefully we’ll get the other house raised in the weekend.

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