Update On Nothing

I’ve totally been neglecting my blogs lately. Along with most of my other social media pages. I do stop by face book or twitter once in a while, to keep up on Supernatural, My Little Pony, Pokemon, or the latest local X Wing tournament. That’s tomorrow, by the way. I’m not going. I should. You know, talk to some people. Shoot down some rebels. But ah, yeah. The newest change of game rules kick in on Monday. I can’t handle spending a whole day, fighting lists that will be outlawed the day after. That is just… Pointless. Also, my Cartel Spacer list gets a major pat on the back from the game creators on Monday. But flying them on Sunday, well… So, not going. Look at me, tons of excuses to stay away from the world.

I had not heard from my vets about Tardi’s blood work, so I had to call and ask. I despise that. Picking up my phone… My scooter decided to turn off its headlights as well, today. Yeah. I had to call the shop for it. What is a girl to do if she just can’t handle talking to people on the phone? Seriously… I should have been born in the middle ages…

Anyway, my vets are super cool. The secretary answered and was instantly, “V! Haven’t heard from you in a long time! How are you?”

I mean, that is so sweet. She was so busy, I could hear the other phones at the office in the back ground, going off like crazy, and still, she asked how I was, even though she was clearly alone at answering everything. But what do you say?

I feel so much like Castiel most of the time. “I’m fine.” Because that’s what humans say to avoid awkward conversations. “You know, when I am not calling you guys, its because everything is peachy.”

Anyway, it turned out that the vet that did the blood work on Tardis, is on vacation, and she has the results, so. Still no answer. The secretary instantly offered to call her and ask for me. I said no. Jeeze, let her have some time off. Tardis is not dying. I hope. I can wait. I can only imagine how hard it is to be a vet, and never have any time where you are truly off work.

I have to say, I doubt that Tardis has EMS, but that does leave us with the question of her edemas. Sometimes, lately, I have been wondering how much easier my life would be if I did not have them.

And that, more than anything, really scares me. My horses were always my reason to keep fighting. They still are. But other people sell their horses and move on with their lives. Why not me? Because they are my babies and you don’t sell your babies, no matter how dark a hole you are slipping into? But what if they were better off with someone else? Someone who would have set the wheels in motion a long time ago, trying to figure Tardis out? I kinda had my back against the wall here, before I called the vet. Maybe I should have responded sooner. Maybe others would.

I feel like I am hanging on by my finger nails and every time I look at my gang, I wonder if I am failing them. Rationally, I am know that it is for the best that Apocalipse and Marble is not ridden yet, despite their age. Rationally, I know that they are happy, and they don’t need anything. They get hay twice a day, have unlimited access to grass, water and shelter and they have each other 24-7.

I just can’t shake the feeling that I am not doing as good as I should. That I am not spending enough time with them. That on rainy days, when I just show up, fill up water and hay, and clean out their hooves, they… miss me? Especially Ablaze and Apocalipse. My foals. In a perfect world, they would have a window to my bed room and they would be hanging over the computer when I was writing. Even if they are part of a herd, they seem lonely, and disappointed when I leave.

Yeah, get over it. I know. If only I had real problems, right?

On the plus side, when it is not raining, Saleem has actually begun playing a lot. I was running with my foals the other day, and Saleem joined in and he did not spook when Ablaze got over excited. One of the things that truly lifts my spirits is seeing Saleem try new things, and for him to not back down instantly when the game got wild, is amazing. He sure is blooming these days. I guess I should hold on to that.

So, how am I doing? Well. I’m fine. Ish. Still here, at least. And I promise to write about something happier on this blog soon. I just gotta figure out what.

The boyfriend and I are looking for a new place to live, because our current living arrangements are driving me up the wall, so fingers crossed that it will work out soon. Perhaps that could kick me back into action. It’s just a little complicated, finding a place, close enough to the horses, and where cats are allowed. But we’ll see.

Until then, I’m kind of becoming addicted to my gym. The great thing about the gym is that you don’t have to talk to people and I get to use all that energy, I don’t use, now that I am not riding the horses. Also, it is kind of fun, reclaiming my body. Aaaaand the trainers kinda know me by now, so I guess that having them know my name, is all the human interaction I can handle…

The My Little Pony game, is a life saver. I haven’t bought a single pony to my real life collection for months. But, I have been buying digital ponies. Somehow, building them little houses, playing with them, managing their shops, making dresses for them and collecting element shards and gems… I can do that. That is the world I want to be in at the moment. Thanks Gameloft. When I go broke, I’m blaming you.

I am writing, though. I am almost done with the 4th book in the Legacy series by now. And this post is pointless, I know. But here we are. I guess there is always some reason to keep fighting. For me, its always been my writing, my horses, and to some extend, My Little Pony. I guess some things never change.

Which reminds me. Time to look up BronyTV and hope they have the season finale up. That. Would. Be. Awesome.

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The Beta Mare

The boyfriend and I spent today, holding Tardis away from food. My vet was coming by in the afternoon, to take blood samples, and she wanted Tardis to have been without food for 8 hours beforehand.

Since I have no stall, no dirt paddock, nowhere to lock her up without food, because everything I usually do is design my pasture so that my horses are never without food, I settled for having to hold her for 8 hours.

I won’t lie. It was freezing. Luckily the boyfriend was up for taking her 4 hours in the middle of the day, so I could make it home and get something to eat, and unfreeze my feet. Tardis was amazing though.


She didn’t complain once. She asked a few times, if she could eat, but once I told her “no,” she accepted it without a fight. She never pulled on the rope, she never tried to run, or push me around. She was mostly, slightly curious as to what this was all about.

It quickly started raining, so I decided to spend some time teaching Tardis to be inside the house with the others. She never likes that, but she trusts me to have her back, so it worked out pretty well. Saleem and Apocalipse was all nice and sweet to her, knowing that she was on a rope and remembering my ground rule. Anypony in a halter gets a pass. Nopony beats the one who cannot defend itself.


I will say, as much as one might think that it would be boring to hold a horse for 8 hours, it wasn’t. Tardis is the beta mare of my herd. Being handcuffed to her for 5 hours, as I turned out to be, was amazing.

I did not ask her to do anything, except, please don’t eat. Other than that, if she wanted to walk, we walked. If she wanted to sleep, we slept. If she wanted water, we headed for the water barrels.

And the herd was right behind us at all times. I know I spend a lot of time sitting on my pasture, observing my horses on an everyday basis, but being one with the beta mare for 5 hours, was a rare glimpse into how well oiled a machine a herd like mine is. How everypony has his place, how they all play a role, and how they all know exactly where the others are and what they are doing at all hours of the day.

My boys has a strong schedule. They eat, then they sleep for half an hour, then they play for half an hour, and then they eat again. That is mostly what they do all day.

The beta mare tells them to eat, when she thinks they have run around and been foals enough. Then, the alpha “stallion,” Saleem, decides when they are done eating, and goes to sleep. Apocalipse, the stallions right hand man, follows quickly, as do the beta mare, while Ablaze and Marble, the herd foals, keep eating a little longer.

Once Saleem wakes up, he provokes either Apocalipse or Tardis. The beta mare shuts him down, usually. She is not one for playing. But once Saleem gets Apocalipse into running, she runs along, making sure the foals don’t stray from the alpha and his second in command.

Saleem was amazing to observe today. He started practically every fight, he played with Apocalipse a lot, and when Apocalipse backed down, he went on to provoke Ablaze. Then he played with him, rearing and biting, with no contact, like only Saleem and his buddies can. And once Saleem had played enough, he pushed Ablaze on Marble, making sure the foals got to run around with each other a little.

Saleem did try and engage Tardis a few times. Apocalipse did too. And they both instantly backed down when she turned an ear in their direction. I did let her run, when the herd ran. Yes, I’ve been running a lot today. It was nice. Not as cold as standing still, trust me. So Tardis and I played along, and ran along. And she didn’t hate being chained to me. All day, she found me rather curious.

We ended up sleeping inside the house, all of us. That has never happened before. I am so proud of them. Wup wup!


And of course the vet was an hour late, because she got a call about a sick cow at the last minute, so we ended up not eating for 9 hours. Tardis was pretty tired in the end. I am guessing her blood sugar was running a bit low.

Once the vet showed up, my gang welcomed her, and since I could not let go of Tardis, and the boyfriend had gone home to unfreeze, the poor vet had to take blood samples in the middle of my herd. Tardis, of course, freaked out, and jumped about like a kangaroo, because she hates needles and the vet was here yesterday, sedating her and fixing her teeth, so there was no way she was going to poke any needles into her again.

Once we got Tardis calmed down, the gang closed in around us, Apocalipse licking the blood of the vets fingers, as she tried to take the samples, Saleem kissing the vets face, (she should be honored, he does not kiss many people like that,) Marble sticking to Tardis like Velcro, and Ablaze biting my jacket.

Welcome to my circus. We are actually very well behaved. We are just a unit. We do everything as a team. At all times. I can hardly blame them for behaving like this. I mean, come on. I have never owned 5 horses who welcome the vet like that. They are so trusting and open minded, I am not sure I have the words to describe it.

Ablaze even helped me hold his mom today. I mean, come on.


Okay, I’m tired. It’s been a long day. But an amazing one. I never fail to be impressed by these guys. And being one of them for a day, was a rare once in a lifetime experience.

Now, we just wait for answers on those tests. And smile, because we are still here, all of us.

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So, the vet came by today. Saleem did have some sharp edges on his teeth, so that is what they are thinking is wrong when he won’t eat. They are not really buying my theory of a sore throat without a fever… I am honestly not sure what to think. I mean, I’m glad we got the sharp edges off his teeth, but I can’t shake the feeling that we are missing something.

This evening, he was eating, but he still seems troubled. I know, that can be because he just had his teeth fixed, that usually takes some adjustment. I’m just not jumping for joy yet.

We got Ablaze and Tardis looked over as well. Ablaze is always trouble to sedate, he hates needles, so I had gotten some sedation to give him beforehand. Something that did not need to be injected.

The last time we did that, it hardly worked. He still put up a hell of a fight when the vet showed up. This time, it worked. He was out cold. I carried him, more or less, while we did his teeth.


Poor baby. It took him forever to wake up again.


Apocalipse was totally jealous, and once the vet left, he joined Saleem and Ablaze, in their sleeping. Look at that. He was so sedated too… Yes, we do everything as a team around here.


I did have a few issues with Tardis, though, that I had to ask the vet about. I keep seeing Apollon in her, and it is scaring me. The way I was always told that he was “just fat” and how it never really felt right in my heart.

I know, Tardis looks fat. But truth is, you can easily feel her ribs. She does have edema under her belly. A lot like Apollon did. She is gathering fluid in her soft tissue. I need to know why, before it is too late. With Apollon, it escalated, and he got too sick, too fast and I never had the chance to truly find out what killed him.

Tardis is not sick. She is happy, healthy, energetic. She is the beta mare on my pasture. She rocks. She just have some weird edemas. It’s not a heart issue, by the way. First thing we checked.

So, the vet suggested that we checked her for EMS. Which is basically, a metabolic issue. For which we need blood samples. Taken after 8 hours of not eating, to make sure the sugar level in the blood is unaffected.

I have no stall. No box to close her up in. There is grass on my pasture. I have no where to put her for 8 hours, to keep her starving.

Which means that tomorrow, the boyfriend and I will be hanging out with her in a halter, keeping her from eating, all day, and the vet will come by at 4, before she gets off work, to take the samples.

That is going to be cold. And she is going to be angry. But I have to check for this. If it is EMS, she can get help. If it is not, I need to look somewhere else for my answers.

Tardis is only 7 years old. The vet thinks she is too young for EMS, but it is possible. I will agree that she is not a typical case. The vet did think it was very reasonable to be worried about her edemas. So this is what we’ll do.

It is always hard, with animals. I have seen so many horse owners, look for problems in their horses,  where there really was none. When ever I have a sick horse, I always ask myself; am I making this up, because I want there to be some problem, or is this really real?

I mean, I could just accept that she is fat, and get to training her more. I could just accept my responsibility and let it be my fault that I fed her too much and exercised her too little.

So, am I looking for an excuse here, because I failed her, or is she really sick?

Am I terrified of missing something, and losing her, like I did with Apollon, because I let myself be brushed off when I was sure he was in trouble? I always put his issues on me. I always accepted that he was fat and that I wasn’t doing good enough. Truth is, I was not doing good enough, but not because I fed him too much or trained him too little. I failed him, by not pushing for answers, more than I did.

Which is unfair, because I spent 13 years, pushing for answers. I just never got them. And somewhere along the line, I came to blame myself for his low immune system, his edemas, how he was easily tired, aggressive, and all in all, generally unhappy. I took it all on my shoulders, accepting that I just could not train this horse. I had no idea what I did wrong, when he was angry and kicking at me. I just never questioned that he had a reason, but if it wasn’t medical, it had to be me.


Until he crashed and burned and died.

I am not letting that go anytime soon. I am going to remind myself of that, every single minute of tomorrow, when I hold Tardis away from eating for 8 hours. This time, I want answers. This time, it is NOT my fault. What ever this is, it is medical.

I think.


I don’t even know what to hope for. Except, answers. Anything, really.

Any answer will do. Anything I can run with and work with. I’d love to get some answers, when it comes to Saleem as well. I am not dropping him on the floor either. I’ll have 8 hours to stare at him tomorrow, while I hold Tardis.

Excuse me a moment, while I go insane.

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Sore Throat?

Saleem is driving me insane again. In the past, we have had problems with him not eating right. I am guessing I should start at the beginning here. Mostly to sum it all up, for my own sake. Here goes.

Saleem got kicked in the face when he was 2 years old, and broke his jaw. A lot of complications later, we got it under control and it did not bother him again, until two years ago, when he suddenly broke a molar.

The vets came by, of course, because he wasn’t eating as he should. He does have a tendency to get sharp edges on his teeth, which is why we have his teeth looked over by the vets twice a year. If I don’t, or if I’m a little late, he actually cuts holes in his cheeks, and I can usually smell the blood on his breath before he shows visible symptoms. Now, this sounds bad, and it has been a learning process for me, but we manage. When the molar broke, I knew instantly that he was in trouble and the vet was there with bells on.

As it is, if the root of it should be removed, we would have to take him to a hospital, break his jaw again, and pull it out through the mandible. I really, really don’t want to do that, mostly because that is a lot of pain to subject him to, but also, because Saleem tends to respond badly to being sedated. (Like, he went into shock from it, twice.) I am honestly terrified of losing him on the operation table.

So, we decided to fight it with loads of teeth check ups, keeping the surrounding teeth from becoming a problem. My vets are guessing that the tooth broke because it had been fractured when the jaw was kicked. At least, that is the only reason we could come up with.

Anyway, after we got the broken molar under control, things eased up. For about 6 months, Saleem was eating normally again.

But, then he started chewing his food, and spitting it out instead of swallowing it. I called the vets, but they had no answers. As far as they could tell, it was not a tooth issue.

It went away.

And it came back. The vets came back. No answers. And it went away.

For about a year, on and off. I even got a drench gun and a mouth thingy from my vets, so I could clean his mouth out myself. Not that it ever had any effect, when he wasn’t eating as he should be.

This summer has been good though. I honestly can’t remember the last time he has had problems. And then, this weekend, bam!

Not eating. And when he tries, he doesn’t want to swallow. He leaves trails of chewed hay everywhere, and he is sad.

Now, Saleem is a gentle horse, that never complains about anything. He is a trooper. When he is sad, it is breaking my heart. Trust me, there is nothing more sad in my life, than Saleem, when he is feeling miserable.

So, I tried feeding him treats, which he does eat. But when he eats them, he turns his head sideways, and is clearly frustrated and uncomfortable.

The weird thing is, when he has been eating a handful of treats, he usually picks up the hay afterwards, which has me thinking.

Maybe it is not the teeth at all. Maybe I let myself, and my vets, be sidetracked by his history.

I mean, if I have a tooth ache, it doesn’t get better, once I get over the first mouth fulls of food. But… When I have a sore throat, once I get over the pain of eating the first few bites, it gets better for a while.


Could he be fighting a viral infection, with NO other symptoms? He has no fever, no snot, no coughing. Nothing. He even came and joined Apocalipse and me yesterday, when we were playing. He galloped around like nothing was wrong. Until yesterday evening, when he wouldn’t eat again.

So, yes, I am staring myself blind on this horse, standing on my head, jumping through hoops, (any cliche, really,) trying to figure him out. I can’t wait to call my vets in the morning and ask them what they think of my new theory.

Any of you ever heard of a horse with a sore throat, and NO fever and no cough? Because I sure haven’t. But they do say there is a first for everything….

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The Real World

Alright, I’m still here. Sorta.

I got the Crystal Empire update for the My Little Pony game. I guess I’m one of the lucky few who got it for Android. Aston and my friend’s didn’t get it yet. Needless to say, that is killing a bit of the fun, exploring this new world, when I have to leave my mates behind. After all, friendship is magic. I do hope they get it fixed soon. Go, GameLoft, go, go, go!

But, I have spent the last two days playing My Little Pony, moving into the Crystal Empire, un- crystallizing ponies, gathering crystal balls, you name it. Obsessing. That’s what I do best. I even quit the gym yesterday, because I was so close to unlocking the game…

Yes, I am a professional nerd, if you guys didn’t know that already. So, basically, I’ve been watching Supernatural, while playing My Little Pony obsessively for the last week. And I know, I’m half way through season 8… Season 12 starts in 12 days. I wonder what I’m gonna watch the last week, after I finish season 11 again…😛

I am a bit surprised by how much Sam is growing on me these days. I used to be such a Dean girl, and watching the first 3 seasons, I still was, but now… Not so much. And honestly, once I stopped obsessing about how evil everyone was to Dean, the show got a whole lot better. I didn’t hate season 7 this time, because for the first time, I was on Sam and Cas’ side. That’s new…

I do realize that I sound pretty insane when I let myself get lost in a TV show or a game, but I really don’t care. I was at the gym the other day, and one of the trainers saw me catch a Pokemon inside the gym, (it happens, they have a serious rat problem, just saying,) and she laughed for ten minutes. I do find that pretty amusing.

To me, playing games, disappearing from the real world, is how I get by. I’ll never be too old to play Pokemon, I’ll never be ashamed to be a pegasister and I’ll never tire of watching Sam and Dean fight the world.

Because really, it beats the real world, most days.

I am a writer. I create worlds. I create persons. I live inside my head.

If not for my horses, I would have no need for the real world at all. I could disappear without them. I truly could. But then, once in a while, the real world comes knocking, shattering the walls of my reality. Sometimes, you hit one of those crystallizing moments where you know why you are not going to disappear. Why you keep fighting.

And even if it matters a great deal to me, hearing Frank tell Dean to “decide to be fine until the end of the week, and do it with a smile, because you are alive and that is your job,” there is nothing like realizing that there is someone in the real world who still depends on you.

Ablaze had a stomach ache the other day. Nothing too bad, but if you asked him, he was totally miserable. So, I figured I’d put My Little Pony in my pocket for a while, and walk with him. Which raises a bit of a problem, because I haven’t taught Ablaze to follow a rope of a halter. He always follows me around without any need for force. What then, if he is sick, and needs to walk? Would he still follow me?

He thought about it, I’ll give him that. But I did place a rope around his neck, to drag him along, if he suddenly wanted to roll. (Horses can’t roll if they have a colic, because it can kill them, so you gotta keep them on their hooves at all times.) He followed me and the rope reluctantly, looking very much like a hanged cat. He had no idea why I was suddenly asking him to walk like that, and did he mention that he was feeling horrible? Poor, poor Ablaze.

I chose to take him away from the others, by walking him to the far end of the pasture. I figured that if I took him as far away as  I could, he would run back to the others once I released him, and if he just had a bit of gas, it would probably be released while he ran back. If it was worse than that, I’d know, and I’d know to call the vet. So, we walked away from the herd.

He followed slowly, with the rope around his neck, clearly mystified by my strange behavior. Once we were as far away as we could get I  removed the rope and started walking back to the others. He followed.

I had not expected that. I had truly expected him to explode and run off. I mean, this is a 3 year old Arabian, untrained, untamed, never removed from his herd. And he followed me.

So, I jumped and ran, figuring that if I challenged him a bit, he would explode, right?

Nope. He stayed. Right by my side. I ran, he ran. I stopped, he stopped.

I know, we have been doing this since he was a few days old. I always played with him like that, but never away from the others. He always had his mom or Saleem close by. This time, it was just him and me, and he… stayed.

This untrained, untamed, young horse, he stayed. With me. Despite his stomach ache, despite the fact that horses always feel unsafe away from the herd, especially when they feel sick. He stayed.

I ended up running with him for ten minutes. He was so amazing. He turned when I turned, he stopped when I stopped, and he never touched me, never pressured me, nothing.

I am astounded. I know that I chose not to train this horse, because I saw a spark in him so pure, that I could not make myself taint it. I never asked him to do anything and here he was, 3 years old, being the most well trained, attentive, amazing horse I have ever had the fortune to have in my life.

And, because it ALL came from him, because I never asked for anything, but he gave it to me anyway, the spark I see in him is still pure. He is still wild. He is still free. He just chose me.

If that is not one of those moments that snaps you back to the real world and makes you realize that maybe it is not so bad after all, then I don’t know what is.

I know that I keep joking that he is both Poseidon and Apollon, reborn in one, perfect, little Arabian. In a moment like that, I do feel that every mistake I made with those two has somehow been erased. At least I did this one right. By doing nothing at all.

This evening, my boys and I hit another crystallizing moment. We have something terrifying at the new stable. We have, wait for it, a… WATER CUP!

Yeah. Imagine that.

Saleem and Apocalipse had a water cup when they grew up. Apocalipse used to play with it, just like his mom did, and soak the entire stable in water in a matter of hours. They know what it is. Ablaze and Marble, don’t. I am unsure if Tardis knows. But, long story short, none of us know how to use a water cup these days. In fact, it is terrifying!

So, we have water barrels, like we used to. But I keep poking that cup, just to get them used to the sound and maybe interested in poking it themselves. I had Ablaze and Apocalipse in the house tonight, or, Apocalipse in the house and Ablaze looking in. When I had played with the cup for a while, Apocalipse came up to me, mostly to make me stop, I believe. But Ablaze had been looking, from the safety of the great outside. He stuck his head in and poked the cup.


Apocalipse instantly started biting it, tearing at the isolation around the pipes. His name is not a coincidence… A wee bit destructive, that one… But Ablaze… Licked the water.

Like a cat.


I mean, horses don’t drink by licking. Ablaze was trying to figure out what I was doing with this thing. He saw me, and he… tried to copy what I did with my hand. If that is not beautiful, I don’t know what is.

And if that is not enough to give the real world a chance, I guess nothing is.

I used to wonder what would happen to me, once Poseidon was not here anymore. I guess I finally have my answer. I would get him back, the way he should have been.

Wild and free, and unbroken, but still desperately clinging to me, keeping me real.


But now, back to the Crystal Empire. Yes, I bought Sunburst. He is one of the few G1 ponies I still haven’t added to my collection. Now, he is mine and I can play with him and poke him and look at him whenever I want. That is pretty awesome too.


Oh, and if you guys would quit playing the flying game, I’d love to win Thunderlane… Just saying. I’m actually in the top ten at the moment. Please don’t kick me out.

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I Am Sorry

I am writing this, because I realize that my silence may be scaring some of you. It is not like me to disappear offline like this.

I’m sorry.

I wish I could say that I’m okay, and don’t worry. Truth is, I despise seeing people whine about their lives on social media. So, I’m not going to do that.

In fact, I am not looking for sympathy or help in anyway. I am looking for silence.

I spent all of last week, trying to pick up the phone and call my doctor for the results of my latest blood work. I failed. Every time I tried picking up the phone, I felt my eyes burn and my voice disappearing.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not afraid of the results. I’m pretty sure that they are going to be fine. It was just a check up, to see if my B12 level has stabilized. I just can’t pick up the phone.

I have a friend, who  love dearly, and who had a cancer scare last week. I couldn’t pick up the phone when she called me. Not because I did not want to talk to her, but… I don’t know. I could not fucking answer her when she called, to talk about something as horrible as maybe having cancer.

Which raises the question, what is wrong with me?

Loads of things, I guess.

I guess I could rationalize it, and say that we might be losing Dark Mare Pictures, and I have no idea how to pay my bills next month. That ought to drive anyone insane, right?

Truth is, I’ve been in hard spots before. I never before, lost the power to keep fighting. I am, this time. I just don’t have it in my anymore.

Now, I’m not suicidal, lets be clear on that. Never was, never will be. I lost Janis to suicide, I know what that does to those you leave behind and I am never doing that to anyone.

I am in trouble, though. And I have no idea where to turn.

It’s not like I can call up a psychiatrist and ask for help. First of all, because I despise my phone at the moment, and second, because those guys cost money, and if  I was going to ask for help that way, I’d probably have to sell my horses to pay for it. Which is never going to happen.

I am finding myself a little without a safety net at the moment, and for the first time, I am beginning to wonder if I will bounce back. I used to believe that I would. I always had my ups and downs, but somehow I always clawed my way out of my own hell. This time, I am not sure I can. At least not, unless I get to take some time off, from being me.

So, I am sorry for everyone I am not answering at the moment, be it on twitter, face book, tumblr, instagram, or on my phone. I am sorry. I really am. Trust me, it is NOT you. It is me. It really is. And I am doing the only thing I can do at the moment.

I am trying to step back and breathe. And maybe do the dishes without crying for a change…

On the plus side, I have been writing again. I haven’t done that in a long time. Which leads me to another issue, with asking for help. I don’t want anti depressants, for instance. I don’t want my head to change. Not really. I would be nothing without my stories.

I realize that most of you have no idea that I’m struggling, and I really wanted to keep it that way, but I think I owe those of you I am failing, an explanation for my silence. I wish I had  one. For now, this is what I have to offer. I am sorry. I can’t. I just can’t.

I am not letting go of my blog, or of any of my social media pages, because  I do hope that in time, I’ll be back. But for now, I need to sit back, play  My Little Pony, watch Supernatural, hug my horses, and write on my books. The rest of the world has to be silent for a moment.

Don’t contact me, to tell me that you are here, if  I want to talk. I know you all mean well. But I don’t want to talk, and I don’t want pity. I need silence.

And maybe, if some of you wanna go hunt some Pokemon, I’m still up for that. Just text me. No messenger. No calling. I still answer text messages. Mostly. And I still play Pokemon. Somehow, fighting virtual monsters really works for me…

So, all in all, this blog may be quiet for a while, like the rest of my profiles, while I find a way to deal with me. Wish me luck. But, ah… No, don’t. It is already driving me insane to see how many notifications I get on face book, when I don’t open it every day.

Thank you all, for thinking of me. And just to prove that I haven’t lost my sense of humor, (or lack there of,) am going to include my diploma from Gishwhes.

Yeah, I finally have it on paper, that I’m a weirdo.


Okay, that made me smile. Thanks SPN Family.

I do check my email once in a while. Mostly to keep up with my gym, because if they cancel or move our training sessions around, they usually contact us via email.  And yes, I still work out. I am not just sitting in the dark, brooding. I promise. Not… just.

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My 10th Book!

I didn’t even realize until the other day, but Time Lock is my 10th book! That is so strange to think about. I started this blog 6 years ago, just before The Hand of Fate was released. And here we are. Ten books. And I’m no where near done writing.


I guess that is the curse of a writer. You are never done. There is always this story in your head, driving you insane if you don’t write it down.


So, apologies for the stupid pictures, it’s hard to pose with a bunch of books. Mostly because I am a writer, not a model. I prefer to hide behind my keyboard. Although I have been practicing my evil wizard pose…




Okay, so I still need to work on that 😂

If anyone is interested in the paperbacks, this is my page on Lulu; http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Kallikanzaros

And this is Time Lock, for those of you who just need the new one😉




And I promise I won’t do posts like this one too often. It’s just kinda huge for me, releasing my 10th book.

They are all e-books as well, on Amazon.com, just FYI. But as much as the kindle app is growing on me, allowing me to bring my stories with me every where in a way I never could before, there is still something special about holding the printed version in my hands.

I know I have been silent on this blog for a while now, and I honestly feel really bad about it. It is not entirely because I’ve been too busy to turn on the computer. Most days, lately, I have chosen not to. Sometimes I just need quiet in my head, to hear all the little voices that wants to tell me where to take their story next.


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