Life is strange sometimes. A friend of mine, Lone, http://elisabethberg.wordpress.com/ is in Helsinki for Helldone, watching HIM play their New Years Eve concerts… She called me up today, telling me all about it.
Apparently she managed to meet Leo from the Face of God, a band we had a bit of contact with online before she went. They are warming up for HIM, but we were a bit careful about telling anyone, because we wanted to be sure it was the “real deal” before we announced that we could get an interview with them.
I was looking forward to hear how it all worked out, but I had not expected her to call me up at all. I am very happy that she did.
Turns out that she met Jyrki69 from the 69Eyes as well, and Ville Valo from HIM. Honestly, I think that is amazing. I think she is amazing. The nerve she has… I am pretty sure I would not have walked up to Ville and asked him for a photo, but she is just that brave.
What really struck me about talking to her today though, was how good she sounded. Lone and I met online about two years ago, and we have only met once and spoken on the phone once, planning the book we are writing together, the Kiss, the Dragon and the Werewolf. She has been having some health issues and I was a bit worried that she was making this trip in the first place, but I must say… she sounded amazing. Happy. Thrilled.
That, more than anything else, made me smile. I am so happy that she gets to experience all of this. If anyone deserves it, it is her.
I am so looking forward to see and hear the interview with Face of God as well.
Hanging up the phone I looked at my horses, the four reasons why I was not there with her and wondered. If Apollon had not just died, costing me a bundle of money in vet bills, which it is going to take me quite some time to pay off, would I have been there with them?
My boyfriend said so, the instant I hung up the phone. “We got to start making some money, so you can go too, next time…”
It’s a sweet thing to say, it really is, but I don’t see how. And knowing me, if we should start making money someday, I would probably buy another horse at some point… because here is the thing.
As much as it is tugging at me, hearing of Lone’s trip, as much as I want to be that person, who can just go to concerts and take time off from everyday life, as wonderful as it sounds and as alluring as it might be, it is just not who I am. Even if I had the money, I don’t think I would have gone.
Looking at my four precious horses, I don’t see how I could ever leave them for even a single day. Time seems so precious to me these days, having just lost four horses over the last two years. Who is to say how many days I have with any of them? How could I not want to spend every single day with them?
I never imagined that Apollon would die at the age of 13. That his whole body would shut down the way it did and leave me with no other option that to send him off. I always thought Apollon and I would grow old together, looking after the kids. He loved the kids so. He was so good with them. If he had still been here, I sure wouldn’t have left. In our 13 years together, I was gone only the three weeks I was hospitalized when he was very young. I could never have left him for a music festival.
Somehow I thought I would feel differently once both Poseidon and Apollon were gone, because they were MY horses, they depended so much on me, and Poseidon was not a horse I could have anyone else take care of. Somehow I had thought that I would feel a bit freer to do things like go see the bands I like, once they were gone, but I really don’t.
Looking at Apocalipse and his pretty face, seeing how much he reminds me of his mother, I could never leave. I have been there for every single day of his life and I always will be. As much as I love music, I love my horses more.
Maybe I am a bit clingy at the moment, maybe the feeling will tone down itself over the years, maybe I am just so unable to leave them at the moment, because of how many of them I have just lost, but even if this is who I am and always will be, then so be it. I am just happy to have a friend like Lone, who does her best to include me anyway.
I got the bill from DAKA today. That is the destruction company, by the way, those who pick up euthanized horses and other huge animals, because it is the only legal way to get rid of your horse unless you want to slaughter it or feed it to the lions at the local zoo. I would never do that and due to the huge amount of medication Apollon was on for the last month of his life, I couldn’t have even if I would have wanted to. He was toxic. So you pay DAKA to come by with a crane (after the animal has been put down by the vet of course,) and drop your beloved animal into a pile of dead pigs and cows and other dead animals. They then incinerate them. It is not cheap. But that is not the worst part. The money aspect means little to me. I’ll pay it. All of it, as fast as I can. I don’t care. But I do care about how undignified all of it is. And I must admit, the idea of Apollon’s beautiful face, burning…
Burning alongside cows and pigs and animals no one ever cared for… Burning. My baby.
I guess that is life. You can spend 13 years loving someone and in the end all you are left with is a bunch of memories and pictures and a bill from the much hated company that burned his body for you.
No, time to ring in the New Year soon. We have everything set for the kids. We just picked up feed for them today, and some extra proteins for Tardis and the foal in her belly now that she is nearing the last of the pregnancy. We moved hay from the big hay loft to my own little hay loft yesterday. When you have horses, there is always something that needs doing. And I think I wrote this last year too, but I am looking forward to the new year. It can only be better.
This time I mean it. I am not putting down another two horses in 2013. Two years in a row must be enough. Never again.