The Lair- Season 1,2,3- Series

the lair

“Welcome to the fang bang,” well that kind of says it all.

Okay, so before you read on, be warned. This post is just as much a waste of your time as the series.

It is some of the worst acting I have ever come across, with one exception, even the kids in my little sister’s school plays have displayed more talent, and that is saying a lot. The story and script writing are horrible, stealing unashamed and obviously from the movie Lost Boys, Oscar Wilde’s book the Picture of Dorian Grey, and Greek mythology, randomly, inconsistently, sporadically and without tying up any lose ends at all, they manage to make it mystifying for the sake of being mystifying, and the rest of the time it is just plain waste of screen time.

I say that in the kindest possible way. We actually had a LOT of fun watching it.

So, everybody, this is a gay, vampire series and let’s be clear. EVERYBODY  is gay. This is the Lost Boys in a gay and even more foolish version than the movie was. This is the Picture of Dorian Grey, twisted, torn, diminished, and turned plain stupid. This is so amazingly BAD, it is involuntarily funny at all times.

So, why watch it? Well, in our defense, we started watching it when Apocalipse was sick and we had some time to kill between feeding him medication during the day. My friend was between jobs and so we hung out, and what better way to take my mind off my sick horse than to make me watch some gay vampires? Works like a charm. I was laughing within the first two seconds.

Why write about it? Why even admit that I had wasted hours of my life, watching three seasons of this show? Because, well, I can’t help it. It is not every day you come across vampires that run a gay sex club as a cover… Now, that sure is a new twist on the vampire stories of old.

I must mention that the episodes are about 25 min long, and at least half of that is intro song, recap, and preview, all of it easy to skip past, which makes it about 15 min you spend pr episode. That doesn’t sound too bad, now does it? So, short episodes, and half of every episode is random gay sex, so you can see why the story is, to say the least lacking. This whole series suffers greatly from being unable to decide if they just want to be a gay porn series, or if they are trying to tell a sad vampire love story without any screen time left to actually tell a story.

Once they started telling the story of the picture, containing Damian’s life force, displaying all his evil deeds on the canvas, I was rolling on the floor laughing. How on earth can you be allowed to steal a story like that, the Picture of Dorian Grey is a classic, why has no one ever sued them for copying it like that? Add to that, the script writers cannot handle the picture, they keep forgetting how it works, and what the rules are regarding Damian’s immortal life.

Watching this series you find yourself waiting for the fat opera singer from Scrubs to show up and sing “Miiiiiiiiiiiistake,” time and time again. Even though it is not a comedy, one would not have been surprised if he had, that is how little sense most of it makes at all times.

The – gay – werewolf and the killer flower in season two is even more hilarious than one would think possible. I mean seriously, a killer flower… now that’s a bad plant, actually killing two people over the season, by spraying fungus in their faces… The werewolf is a huge liability, and a completely different story than the vampire story, utterly unrelated to Damian and his gang, which makes you wonder why they chose to add that. Again, I was thinking that they were short of screen time to begin with, and adding another storyline does not seem like the clever thing to do then, but what do I know.

Come season three where they add the medusa queen, I was nearly unable to keep watching it. A medusa queen? Get it? In a gay series? And yes, it’s a man… well, when he doesn’t turn into a medusa queen…

Once again, his story line is unconnected for a long time, but at least they manage to write him into the story at the very end, making him have some sort of function in the overall picture.

I am not even going to comment on the head and the magic ring…

But wait a second, I have not introduced the characters. Well, that is how unimpressive they are, I guess. So I will start by the one character that makes season two and three worth watching. Actually, because of him, my friend and I was half way through the third season when we suddenly looked at each other, wondering if the show had got better or if we had got used to it?

It DID get better, solely because of Frankie. In season one he is the janitor in the nightclub called the Lair.

the lair frankie

In season two and three he is dead. Collin has buried him alive. Frankie was a familiar, not a vampire, so he was human and could die. Now he is an earthbound spirit, haunting Collin, Damian, and Thom whenever he feels like it, and he is a HUGE improvement to the story. By season three, the script writers and the actor even feel like they have learned how to manage him and how to play on the strengths he has, which are mainly, the fact that he is dead and has nothing left to lose. So yes, the dead janitor, is fabulous.

Now, usually, I would have introduced the cute guy first, and here he is, Damian, drop dead gorgeous, but unfortunately for the series, greatly over shadowed by Frankie, and in quite a lot of the scenes, by Collin as well.

THE_LAIR. damian jpg

Damian is the original, the one vampire that created all of the others, the owner of the Lair, the leader of their gay vampire family. He is also the one cursed by immortality, tied to the picture his ex -lover painted of him, before he killed him.

the lair painting

Sounds familiar? Not to worry, it is. The poor, unwilling hero, the trapped vampire, forced to be evil to survive, cursed by his own gay hotness… No wait, that one was a bit new… I am not sure it made the story any better though, but what the hell… he is so sexy you watch most of the series just waiting for him to have sex with someone. Which he- disappointingly- does not have nearly as much as all of the others… Now THAT is just bad script writing…

Collin is the Kiefer Sutherland copy, (the one with the white hair,) the fun Lost Boy, with his own wicked plans, of course plotting to kill Damian all the way through all the seasons.

the lair collin

He is rather funny, as he tries to be the bad guy, fucking his way through the series, having a very good time sleeping with anyone to get his way. You kind of get to like him, mostly because he is actually not as horrible an actor as the others and because he openly embraces who he is. A gay vampire. No suffering hero… you get so tired of those…

Which brings me to the main character in the series, Thom. Wow, I nearly forgot him, that’s how boring he is…The magic ring does nothing for him either…

the lair thom

I should say nothing of him, because I am struggling to find one positive thing to say, other than he is having sex with Damian once in a while, which is his only slightly redeeming quality.

So, should you watch it? No, absolutely not, unless you are very much into gay sex, lousy vampire stories, or in desperate need of a good laugh. It is guaranteed to make you laugh. That is it’s only real quality. Clearly that was good enough for my friend and I to watch all three seasons… We must have very sad lives….

Especially once Damian becomes mortal, we were very quickly fighting over who got to track him down and bite him first… as you all know, my friend is a vampire, here she is, the dirty vampire, Oh hon, you didn’t think I would not imply you, now did you?

I am of course a werewolf, and as we all know, werewolves are MUCH cooler, faster and smarter than vampires, so of course I would get to Damian first now that he was fair game…

Not to worry, he doesn’t stay mortal, and I am only writing that last part because I doubt any of you, except the Dirty Vampire, made it all the way through this post, so hon… Thanks for making me waste hours of my life on this stupid show, you always know how to cheer me up when I really need it.


About Starstone

-Owned by horses. Writer, Photographer, Director, Musician.
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11 Responses to The Lair- Season 1,2,3- Series

  1. ha i think I have to watch it now, just to see how bad it is

  2. dirtyvampire says:

    Haha i don’t mind taking the blame for this one, even though it was really bad, i had so much fun watching it with you. 😉
    And there is no way you will get to Damian first. Never. You can’t beat me jack. 😉

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