Just when you thought Disney Chanel was a safe place to be, Hannah Montana shows up with a tribute episode to her beloved horse, throwing a song like this in my face…
I’ll be sobbing all day… So sad, so beautiful, so true, all of it… “The right kind of love, is the love that let’s go.” Only someone who has loved and had to make the choice to say goodbye to a friend that has been with you all of your life, could write a song like that.
“There’s a cold frame that sits by the window
And my heart breaks a little more each time I try
To picture the memory inside.”
I never framed any of the pictures of my horses. They just hang on my wall, pinned to the wall, surrounded for the most part, by the ribbons they won me. Still, I know the feeling of looking at those pictures, trying to remember how Legacy would hold his head when he saw me, the trust in his eyes, how Poseidon would come running, his muzzle working over time, how Amalia would call out to me in her deep- far to deep for a little mare- voice, and how Apollon would open his eyes just a little too much, displaying the white in his eyes, making him look ever fearful.
And then I look at the pictures on my other wall, the pictures of Pikant, Silver and Flicka, pictures that seem like a lifetime ago, and I find that it hardly hurts to look at them anymore. It’s so long ago. Pikant was euthanized in 1998. On August 31. At 12 o’clock. Yep, still remember as if it was yesterday. He was the first, I had to let go of, as his huge heart was failing.
So it’s true, pain fades in time- lots of time. But so does memories. I don’t remember much about any of them anymore. I mean sure, I remember the shows I rode on Silver, most of them. I did find a program the other day with our names in it and I had no recollection of doing that show at all.
But that is hardly the point. I don’t remember her details anymore. I don’t remember what she would do when I showed up. I don’t remember how she would hold her head, I don’t remember the sound of her voice.
The same goes for Pikant and Flicka. I just don’t remember. My strongest memory of Pikant is the second he died, how he looked into my eyes as he fell, how he trusted me at that last moment as his respiratory system failed. That moment I am sure, will haunt me forever, but anything else seem to fade, buried underneath new layers of sorrow and the almost impossible fact that life… goes on.
Yep, that’s how fragile I am. Just one song, one bloody episode of Miley saying goodbye to her old and trusted friend, and all of the sadness I am fighting so hard to suppress every day, all the tears I try not to cry, return. I still don’t know how anyone is supposed to live on after having lost four of her best friends within a matter of two years. I am sure I will find a way, and I am sure that it will be greatly because of the four precious horses I have now and the soon to be born foal, but no, it’s not easy.
No matter how much I keep telling myself that the right kind of love IS the love that let’s go, I really wish it wasn’t so.