Hollow

I shouldn’t do it. I know. But whenever I am bored, I keep looking at sales ads online. I think that part of me just feels hollow, with the loss of four of my horses in the last two years, especially since Poseidon and Apollon died last year.

I know, nothing can ever fill the vacuum they left in my heart. Nothing at all. Still, I keep checking for small, cheap, or special horses, you know the kind that would need me to make a difference… Maybe the five horses I have now, are just too easy, all of them. Maybe I am just too happy, maybe I must go looking for trouble….

I’ve come across a few really interesting ones. One of them, a white, picture perfect OX Arabian. Eleven years old, un-ridden, gelding…  I mean, seriously, he is so beautiful your heart just skips a beat whenever you look at him. And with his history, having never been used, who would buy that horse? It’s a gelding, you can’t use him for breeding… who would dare break in an eleven year old horse?

Me! I would consider it a challenge… And then again, not at all. Maybe he is just too easy too… Still, I must wonder, what would happen to him, if someone like me didn’t buy him? Not my problem, I know, but it bothers me to think about…

Yes, I am just that crazy…

Now, there is another one, a trotter. I don’t know if it is for sale, but I drive by it every day on my way to my stable. She is tall, slender, brown and looks just like my dear sweet Legacy. My heart does skip a beat every time I see her… she has a companion, a dark brown trotter, who just had a foal yesterday. Driving by the three of them, watching the new born foal jump around in the long grass, I stopped at a distance to smile at the foal. The brown mare came up to the fence and looked at me, just like Legacy used to do, she has his face, his eyes… Honestly, I wasn’t looking much at the foal…

And I know, trotters are frowned upon, and I couldn’t care less. I love their spirit, their temper… looking at this brown mare yesterday, I knew without a shadow of doubt that I must one day, have a trotter again. I simply miss them. As much as I believe that my future is with the Arabians and the Thoroughbreds, I can’t walk past a trotter and not feel a twinge in my heart.

Maybe in time, it will pass, but I doubt it.

And then, as I was almost convincing myself not to bring home the picture perfect Arabian gelding- it’s a pony, I don’t think my boyfriend would forgive me for bringing home another pony, Tardis is more than enough, how I snuck her and her unborn foal under the wire last year, bringing home two horses that might be too small for him to ride,- as I talked myself into not contacting the people that owned the trotters, as I was just about ready to delete all the sales ads I had kept returning to, marked ‘favorites,’ the one horse I must not buy, came along.

Four years old, ‘blood-stained’ (dark red spots,) mare, 25% trotter, 25% frederiksborger (a Danish breed,) and 50% knapstrupper, (another Danish breed, hence her spots.)

Now let me explain why my heart didn’t just skip a beat, but came to a complete halt as I saw her.

Poseidon and Apollon were half trotters, half frederiksborger. Their father, the frederiksborger, was named Zarif Langløkkegård.

This mare, her granddad, the frederiksborger, is named Zarif Langløkkegård. This young mare is a niece of my two superstars, the closest I could ever get to preserving their blood lines, and she has spots…!

I asked to see some pictures of her mother, the half sister of my two boys. She looks just like them. Red, Apollon’s star, Poseidon’s slender build… I am going crazy here.

Let’s be honest, I don’t want that kind of horse anymore. It’s too heavy, and probably its mind is too bothersome to handle, most of the time. The cold blood temper usually drives me insane in the long run. Still, clearly, I am not able to walk away from it. And maybe this horse doesn’t have the cold blood temper. Maybe I should just go meet her…

I dare not. If I do, I know myself. I will bring her home. Simply because she is the blood of my two red boys. But I can’t afford that. Not to buy her, not to have her, to feed her, shoe her… I mean, no. I am not going to meet her.

But really, how can I walk away from that?

So, dear readers of my blog, I am killing myself trying to be reasonable here, and it is not working. This little mare, would she fill up some of the empty space inside my heart, in a way the others can’t?

Somehow, I think so. Somehow I think that by her blood alone, by the temper I know she must have, she will be enough trouble for me to finally ‘come home’ again.

There is no replacing my old boys, I know. I will always feel empty without them. Still, having a bit of their blood on my pasture, a mare I could get pregnant and keep their blood alive forever… wouldn’t that be the next best thing, now that I couldn’t keep them with me anymore?

Please tell me no. Someone tell me no. My boyfriend says go for it. If I can negotiate a price I can pay, he doesn’t mind if I bring her home. I guess he knows, somehow, what it is costing me to walk away from this mare, how I am actually fighting back tears, just to write this…

No. I am not buying her. I am not. I don’t need another horse. I’ve got the five best ones in the world already and I want to start showing Saleem. I need a saddle for him, I need money to drive him around, I need to look to our future now, not bring home another mouth to feed.

Please tell me that I can be that sensible.

Make me believe it.

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About Starstone

-Owned by horses. Writer, Photographer, Director, Musician.
This entry was posted in Horses and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Hollow

  1. LHK says:

    You can be thar sensible – because I say so…!

  2. I agree with your boyfriend, bring her home for the right price…

  3. Lisbeth Thostrup says:

    I have been there, too. I had to get the pony that was related to my wonderful palomino.
    My daughter also bought a mare from a field in the autumn. She had a fantastic pedigree, but she had done nothing at all and she was very, very skinny. She was also very, very cheap and Isabella could not bear to think what would become of her – so we hitched on the trailer and brought her home. She is now a picture of health and very beautiful. She is also great to work with, if you take her sensibility into consideration (we are also into Natural Horsemanship…). What it all boils down to – you can only ever get more horses. At the moment I am restraining myself, because I know of a poor TB mare that is being sold on and on for being “naughty”, and I know we could help her. I also know I would probably be divorced.

    • Starstone says:

      oh it’s just not easy… it’s really hard to walk away from a horse you know you can help, I keep telling myself that I can’t save the world… Still, I never seem to listen 😉

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