I think that for the first time, I really can’t do it anymore. All of it. None of it. Keeping it together. I don’t know. I feel like everybody is living my life for me these days, telling me what to do, how to spend my time, even how to build a shelter for my horses. Nothing I do is ever just right.
And now I may sound like I am whining a bit… apologies… But yes, I want a shelter for my horses before winter. I have a house for them already, but with Ablaze being there, it might be a bit small and Tardis doesn’t like the house and I’d really sleep much better at night if I just had another roof for them.
So what’s the problem? Well, everything. I know how I want it, where I want it and especially how I don’t want it. Somehow everyone seem to have an opinion of it, which is pretty nice in a way, to see my friends support me and be enthusiastic about it, but I feel overwritten a lot lately.
It’s a bit of an odd feeling. On one hand, it’s nice to have help, on the other hand, I feel left behind. I can’t just sit down and look up wood online and understand the size and the strength of it. I can’t add the shape of the house and figure out how many tiles for the roof I am going to need. My head doesn’t work that way. I have no sense of volume, no understanding of numbers, at least not on a computer screen, so when my friend spends hours figuring out what I would need to buy for my house, it’s very nice of her and on the other hand, I wish she would include me. It is MY house. I am going to figure out a way to pay for the bloody thing, it is my horses that is going to live in it and if the roof collapses, it is my responsibility and I never want to be in a position where something went wrong and my friend was to blame for having figured something out wrongly.
It’s not so much about control on my part, I just want to understand what we are doing, otherwise I am not green-lighting anything. Simple as that.
So, here we are, my biggest problem is clearly that my friends want to help me and that they can’t read my mind… bloody lousy friends, ha?
No, I just feel tired. Really tired. My mom keep bitching about my boyfriend not remembering to turn off the light… to me of course, not to him… because he is my boyfriend so of course I control everything he ever does and of course I can make him remember…. Besides, who cares about the light, let’s be honest, most lamps are made for burning, not for being switched on and off all the time, and his huge Dark Mare Pictures Computer sure takes its toll on the electrical bill, but that does belong to Dark Mare, if she would stop bitching to me and talk to him, I am sure the company could figure something out, I just don’t want to be involved and I don’t want to get stuck in the middle in any sort of way.
It is tiresome, it is wearing me down, and let’s be fair, even with the company, she does have a lot more money than we do… but fair enough. I remember to turn off the light. I keep my mouth shut, because we can’t afford to move out. I let them wear me down, her with her constant remarks or face book messages, because we couldn’t have an actual conversation about it like adults, (runs in the family, since I am bitching about it here- in my defense the last time I tried talking to her about something like this she spent the first half hour shouting at me and that may work on my sister, but I have very little respect for anyone who needs to raise their voice to get their point across, I work with horses…) and him, with his blissful ignorance, forgetfulness and simple unawareness, because a lot of the times, I choose not to tell him what my mom has complained about now. I don’t want to be the middle man, the one she gets angry with when he does something, and the one he gets angry with when she complains. Work it fucking out without me, this is not fair!
So what else… yeah, the European Championship and all the Rollkur stuff… Somehow I have become a champion in the anti Rollkur case, and I am expected to go to Herning and talk to journalists, who seem to mostly expect me to be a raving lunatic, one of the “militant minorities,” who thinks everything is abuse…
Wake up call guys, I am not. I am not a hero, I am not a front figure, in fact, I couldn’t care less who won the European Championship- (We all know it’s going to be Isabell Werth in the dressage part, by the way, since Anky is not competing, they never compete against each other,) – I am not opposed to riding your horse, I am not opposed to wearing a bit and yes, my horses even wear shoes… Really, I have nothing to say on the matter, and I see no need to talk to anyone about those pictures we took at the Danish Championship. It’s all been said, the pictures speak for themselves. Really, words should not be needed at all.
And of course, a small part of me is disappointed that the warm up areas are not open to the public, like Ecco promised they would be, but I am not disappointed that we won’t get those ugly pictures. By all means, wouldn’t it be nice if nothing but nice riding went on and all we got was fantastic pictures of sympathetic riders and happy horses? That is all I would hope for, I am not out to shake things up in any way or to cause trouble. I would like nothing more than to just applaud and love everything I saw.
I do find it horrendously sad that the warm up areas are closed, after all. The world of horses really does have something to hide? Yes, that is disappointing. In a perfect world, the audience would be allowed to see what was going on and who they were applauding. This is just… sad.
To be honest, I don’t want to go to Herning at all. I don’t want to pay to see, what I could just as easily see from the comfort of my home, the competitions. Most of it is broadcasted live. I don’t want to sneak around and take pictures, I don’t want to join flashmobs or demonstrations, and I don’t want to “bring my spy cameras.” It holds no thrill to me at all.
As a last nail in my coffin, my boyfriend has yet again, decided to move all our stuff around at home, set up new shelves and completely unnerve me, by asking me to participate in his perfect scheme to tear our rooms apart and build them up again, right now, in the middle of us having to build a shelter for the horses and on top of the European Championship… oh the timing is impeccable. And here I was, thinking that if I had a few moments of spare time, I might actually be done with the one thing I still know I CAN do. Edit and release the third book in the Starstone Series. I am still missing the last hundred pages in the Danish version. Wonder when I will get to that…
Soon, I hope, if I don’t have a nervous breakdown…. Any minute now…