Apollon

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The world cries for you tonight

Clouds keep rolling in above

Pouring rain into our hearts

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The world holds its breath tonight

The calm before the storm

In silent disbelieve and horror

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If this is your song

Can we make it a happy one?

If this is your legacy

Can we sing it a loving tune?

If this is your melody

Can I print it to memory?

APOLLON

The world crashed and burned tonight

Flames ran across the scarlet sky

As the sun failed to shine through the rain

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The wind sings your song tonight

Every rain drop in perfect harmony

As your blood seeps into the ground

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If this is your song

Can we make it a happy one?

If this is your legacy

Can we sing it a loving tune?

If this is your melody

Can I print it to memory?

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I know that, five days ago, when I honored the two year anniversary of Amalia’s death, I said “in loving memory of…” and nothing more needed to be said. I won’t this time. I can’t. I am not there yet. I do not look back on Apollon with a smile just yet.

Today, one year ago, Apollon was euthanized during a blizzard. Everything was white, cold, and silent as he drew his last breath.

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I still wonder what killed him.

I still wonder how a thirteen year old horse could just fail like that. I still obsess about what I could have done, what I may have missed and not a day goes by where I don’t tell myself that it doesn’t matter. We couldn’t have saved him.

Not knowing though, that is terrifying, because it always leaves that one thought at the back of your head… “what if…”

What if I had known what made his immune system fail? What if we had been able to figure out why his body set out, why his arteries ruptured… Could I have saved him then?

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Rationally, I don’t think so. Rationally, I believe that he was always sick somehow. I know that over the thirteen years I had him, I had him tested in every possible way, to the point where I felt like an idiot for still feeling that this horse wasn’t quite right.

Until the time when he crashed and burned, confirming my worst nightmares.

I know I did everything “by the book,” I know my vets did everything they possibly could, I know… still… fact is, I really don’t know anything.

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So I am left now, with “what if.”

What if I had held on a little longer than I did. Could he have miraculously recovered? What if I had tried chemotherapy, (which was about the only thing I didn’t try, not wanting to put him through that,) could we have kick started his immune system then? What if…

So no, I haven’t reached “acceptance,” just yet. I wonder if I will ever get there. So I won’t say, “In loving memory of Apollon…”

I will say this;

I am sorry, Baby. I wish I could have done better. You should have been here today. I am so, so sorry.

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Apollon 1999- 2012

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About Starstone

-Owned by horses. Writer, Photographer, Director, Musician.
This entry was posted in Horses and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Apollon

  1. Did i ever send you the pics I took of him that day? i can´t remember…

  2. So, beautiful darling.. I can’t believe it’s been a year..

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