Trust is a strange thing. Friendship too. Losing it, is a very odd feeling as well.
Friendship always includes two people, most of the time agreeing on more or less outspoken “rules.” People who, for one reason or another, find a common ground and a reason to want to spend time with each other. People who feel that they can trust each other with their secrets and their hearts desires, their hopes and wishes… People who don’t keep score when they help each other out in a tight spot… I guess in many ways, friendship is love in its purest form.
It is a fine line though, once in a while. In our small circle of friends, we used to have someone, who lost a lot of weight and turned her life around, and suddenly we didn’t hear from her at all. One can’t help but feel that suddenly we weren’t cool enough any longer, to fit her new and improved image. I don’t know how long it’s been since we have actually seen her. Or heard from her. I know that she was never interested in my horses, she hasn’t even been by to meet Ablaze, which is something I do take a bit of offence too with my friends…
Then all of a sudden she was in need of a car and as such, we were graced with her presence once more, as my friend (who has a car) of course offered to help her out if need be. I mean, yes, that is what friends are for. You need help, we are there, any way, any how we can, no questions asked, even if we haven’t spoken for eight months….
It’s just… driving her to the stable and stuff, that is the kind of thing a horse girl can get behind. Sure. But once she starts asking for my friend to pick her up and take her to a party, which my friend is not invited to, basically playing taxi for her, that is where I am once more offended on behalf of my friend. In my world, you don’t treat your friends like that. If you want a ride to any party, at least ask the friend who you want to drive you, to go with you, and have a fun night with you…
She truly doesn’t see it. She even continued to post updates and selfies of herself on face book, thanking her friend who held the party for a great night and stuff… How is that going to make her taxi- friend feel, I wonder? Used?
I shouldn’t be writing about this, it only concerns me to the point where I do get pissed off by some people’s lack of decorum. That, and I don’t like watching my friends get hurt, but it is none of my business, as long as she isn’t making it mine… Sorry, that wasn’t really what this post was about. It is just a pretty good example of what friendship is and what really… isn’t.
So, back to what is my business… I have this long time friend, “Dirty Vampire,” who got hired to work at a big stable about a year ago and well, disappeared. I believe I have written about her before, because it is truly hurting me to let go of what we used to have, but it just hit me the other day. She already has.
I did pick up on it a bit at the last show I was at with Saleem, that was held at “her” stable. After we had driven Saleem home, we came back to pick up my critique, which Dirty Vampire had kindly picked up for me, so I wouldn’t have to make it back before the judge went home. Turned out that we had a lot of time and the show wasn’t over at all when my friend, LHK, and I got there. LHK and I decided to watch some of the riders, now that we were there and asked Dirty Vampire to join us, since she was off work. She did. Then someone she knew (a colleague, I presume,) saw her, sitting right next to us and asked her what she was doing there?
Here is where any ordinary friend would have introduced us to each other in a, “new friend, meet some of my old friends” moment, but no. She completely ignored that LHK and I was there, right next to her, and just spoke to her new friend as if we were invisible. I don’t know what that friend thought, but I would have found it quite strange, how clearly she wasn’t going to introduce LHK and me.
I sure did.
It’s been a while since then, and I almost let it go. After all, we hardly ever see each other these days, and as such, I had kind of settled for accepting that we could still be friends even if I clearly wasn’t anyone she would want her new, cool friends to meet, even if we wouldn’t be that close anymore.
She came by my house the other day though. As much as we don’t really have anything to talk about anymore, it was still nice to see her. I guess love doesn’t die too easily after all. Still, once the trust is broken, I must face what is happening. And truly, she doesn’t trust me anymore. That was a bit of an eye opener.
She has started riding one of the stallions, in her spare time. (Here is where I can’t help but think that they are ripping her off a bit, for having her work their stable all day and then, once she is off, she can ride their horse for free… but I would never say that. She is happy to have a horse to ride, so I guess the arrangement works for everyone.) She has been posting quite a few pictures on face book of herself and the horse, selfies in the mirror, or pictures seen through the horse’s ears… So well, clearly she is happy about the horse and she likes taking pictures of him. I have a good camera and naturally I asked her if she wanted me to come by and take some good pictures of them.
She said sure, we can do it once the others are at Herning. For those who doesn’t know, Herning is the annual stallion performance testing, a four day event, that almost every equestrian in Denmark goes too, and as such, her stable will be displaying their most interesting stallions. Meaning, those four days, the stable at home will be ribbed off horses and workers.
I did ask her if she wasn’t allowed to have me take pictures of the horse, since she didn’t want anyone to be there? She said no, of course we could do that. It was just much easier when we were alone, with no one in the way… but, by the way, if we did do that, I couldn’t post those pictures online anywhere, because the stud didn’t want unauthorized pictures of their stallions floating around….
In a way, that makes sense. If she hadn’t been posting very unauthorized pictures of that horse herself, I may not have thought twice about it and then again… the fact that she had to say it…
I guess that is a very huge breach in the trust between us. She should have known what I was offering. She should have known that I would NEVER have posted those pictures anywhere, unless she had asked me to. I was offering her to take some private pictures of her and “her” horse. Why on earth would I post them online?
Because, I guess, I am Veronica Merlin, the girl who, along with LHK took those pictures of Team Helgstrand at the Danish Championships and handed them over to the local media.
I know. That was a mean thing to do, I am sure Andreas has been crying his eyes out over those pictures ever since… no wait…
The thing that completely knocked me off my feet with Dirty Vampire though, was that somehow, she must think that I posted those pictures just for the sake of it? To what, cause trouble? To “get” those who were better than me? Why did she think I did it, since she was clearly scared that I would do it to her?
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t expecting to see perfect riding on her part, she hasn’t ridden that much in her life, but I would never take pictures of her for the sake of exposing her online, UNLESS I thought that she was working for a professional stable and she was activity, knowingly abusing the horses. Yes, the wellbeing of the horse does take preference with me, always. She does know that. But she should know too, that I was not out to “get” her.
I am not out to get anyone, not even Team Helgstrand. But sometimes you come across such blatant abuse, you just can’t keep quiet about it, which is why I published those pictures.
I guess that if we were still friends, she would know just how many of my friends I have taken pictures off over the years and how I have never posted any of them. Never dreamed of doing it, not using any of them in my book either. It is pretty simple, I have got a camera and I am good at working it, so if my friends want good pictures of their horses, they just ask. Most of them I don’t even keep, my computer doesn’t have unlimited space, and if I sometimes post anything not of my own horses, and myself riding, it is never without asking permission, or when it comes to LHK, pictures she has chosen to publish online herself.
I guess that if Dirty Vampire and I were still friends, she would not fear that I found her abusive to her horse. I truly don’t, but what do I know. Clearly we don’t know each other anymore.
Truly, if we were still friends she would never have had to add that I couldn’t post any pictures of the horse online… She would have known that I never would.
I really was happy for her, that she has found a horse to ride, one she truly likes. In a way, I still am. In a way. Because I know where this is going, if she is not careful, and with her distancing herself so much from me and my Natural Horsemanship ways, we would have parted ways sooner or later anyway, because at some point, I am afraid that I could not stand by how “her” horses are treated. I have been struggling with that since she started working there. Still, she should have known, I would have never hung her out to dry. I would have walked away instead, like a coward, knowing that I couldn’t help those horses, no matter what I did.
And yes, I think they are abused, in about a thousand ways. But not by her. I still have faith in her, I truly do. It’s a strange feeling, realizing that she have no faith in me anymore.
If that isn’t a wakeup call, I don’t know what is, because friendship without trust, that truly isn’t friendship at all.
You know what, that is just one more reason why I adore horses, much more than people. If they lose faith in you, it is because you have earned it by being an idiot. I guess that by writing this post, I earned it too. I guess I have been an idiot, for hanging on so long, not wanting to see the writing on the wall.
When you work at a professional stable, Natural Horsemanship friends are just not cool, especially not the outspoken and skilled kind.
I could live with that. Not being cool, not being someone she wanted her friends to meet… but to have her not trust me like that… I don’t know how to get past that.
Sometimes I think I think too much. I should have just let it slide. Most people never pick up on those kinds of things. I am not even sure she knows how efficiently that cut the bond between us, how deeply that hurt what used to be between us. How instantly she became someone I used to know, someone whose memory I will always cherish, but whose friendship I really do not want.
I have no need for people in my life who won’t be seen in public with me, or on a much more personal level, don’t trust that I won’t post pictures of all their mistakes all over the internet. No I guess it is time for me to grow up and not let myself be treated like that. In a strange way, this situation is very similar to what is happening between my other friend and her friend, who can’t seem to draw the line between helping each other out and abusing the friendship.
So yes, friendship is an odd thing. I guess that what you must bear in mind is that, if people make you sad, one way or another, they are really not your friends, no matter how much they smile to your face. And if they think they are, you have to either tell them and talk it over, or walk away…
I guess it depends on how much you loved each other to begin with.
On my part, I am not walking away. Not really. Should she ever come to me and want to be my friend again, I won’t say no. But I am done, trying to be her friend for now. One sided romances never last. The same goes for friendships. If you are in it alone, it’s not a friendship.