I believe I have managed to snap about 10.000 pictures on my camera over the last three days, of a pony stallion show, my own horses, my friend’s horses… Loads of pictures to spam you guys with and still, I am not going to post them just yet. Something else takes priority.
Incidentally, one of the girls, handling one of the stallions at the show, was the one I bought Apollon from, all those years ago. She asked me to take pictures of “her” horse and I said sure. She then decided to send me a usb flash drive so I could send her the pictures. Easily enough, right?
Yeah, moron as I am, I had to ask her if she had any baby pictures of my baby, and if she did, if she could include them on the flash drive. She did. Not many, and not digital, but still…
Old, yellow, and worn pictures, of two horses long gone, Apollon and his mother Cassiopeia.
I have to admit, I have been looking at that flash drive all day, hardly daring to turn on the computer and see what it contained. I mean, I want these pictures, sometime in the future, I’ll be looking at them and I will be smiling. Sometime in the future, I would regret, not having these pictures.
Right now though, I can’t believe how fast time has gone by. I remember him being that young. I remember all of us, being that young. I remember seeing some of those pictures on her wall, all those years ago, after I bought him. I am not only hit by the loss of this horse once more, but by the loss of our youth as well, of 14 years gone by in the blink of an eye.
And there he is, my baby, ready to start his life, never knowing what his future will bring, trying out those legs for the very first time…
Maybe what is truly killing me here is knowing what the future of this foal will be. How I couldn’t save him in the end, or even figure out what killed him. How I tried for 13 years to give him the perfect life and never quite managed to.
So now I look at my Ablaze, and my Apocalipse, and wonder… 14 years from now, will I still look at their baby pictures and smile?
I can’t think like that, I know. Of course I will. Still… this tiny little voice inside my head that never felt at ease with euthanizing Apollon once his arteries ruptured and he was bleeding internally for no apparent reason, won’t be quiet now. What if something like that were to happen to some of the others?
I know I made the choice to stop testing Apollon once it became apparent that there was no saving him. I know that I made the choice to stop his suffering, rather than keep him alive for my sake, because I needed to find that illusive answer to what was killing him… I chose to live the rest of my life, not knowing what eventually killed the tiny foal in these pictures. Some days, I do better than others. Some days it seemed reasonable, to let him have peace. Some days it seems irresponsible to my other horses, because what if he was contagious somehow?
Most days, I just miss him horribly and would give anything for a second chance, to bring home this foal and start testing him right away, long before any symptoms were ever displayed. Or at least, keep on badgering my vets about him, once the symptoms slowly started arriving, to not let myself be brushed off with guessing and vague explanations…
17 years ago, yesterday, Poseidon came home, two years old. I didn’t know it then, but that was the day the rest of my life began. Apollon wasn’t born for another two years. (They were brothers, so the mare in the picture is Poseidon’s mother as well.)
I would love to live our 15 years together over again, Poseidon and me, if I could, but not because I would change much. No, I would bring him home again, just to be with him once more.
With Apollon, I will never stop looking for what I did wrong, wishing desperately that I could have that second chance, and make him live much longer than he did.
Looking at the foal in these pictures, knowing that he got to be 13 years old, and then his body just failed… I want him back. Give me just one more chance, to fight this, please.
He should have been here this year, and the last. He should have seen Apocalipse grow up, he should have helped Tardis take care of Ablaze once he was born… He should have been here…
He should have been waiting for me at the stable, right now…