Fifteen Years Ago

Fifteen years ago today, this tiny foal was born. Little did I know at the time, of his existence, or how he would come to be one of the two most important persons in my life. Fifteen years ago today, Apollon was born.

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Having had to say farewell to him in the middle of a blizzard, in December 2012, as his body simply failed for no apparent reason, I can’t help but find it extremely unfair that he is not here today. He should have turned fifteen. He should have lived longer. He should have been the alpha on my pasture, after Poseidon died. This should have been his time. Only, it never came.

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So, for our thirteen years together, I hope you know, I miss you. I really do. There are so many things I would have liked to do over with you, so many things I should have done better, and in the end, if I could have known why you died, if I could have fought it, just a little longer, would you have lived?

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I will always wonder, even if my rational mind is telling me that if I had not let you go, you would have bled out internally and died on your own, no matter the reason. I know I called a halt, at the absolute last moment, I know I could have spared you the last month of futile battle, if I had been willing to give you up sooner and even now, this small voice in my head is asking me, “did you give up on him, just a few days too soon? Could he have recovered somehow, if you had just kept refusing to let him go?”

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So, Baby. Looking at the picture from the day you were born, I wish with all my heart that your life had turned out differently. Looking at the foal you once were, I will never forgive myself for how I didn’t manage, despite my best efforts, to find out what was killing you.

Looking at the horse you became, with me, I am honored to have known you. Thank you for letting me love you. I miss you. More than you will ever know.

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My friend Noel, send me a batch of My Little Ponies today, she found on ebay, and I really did mean to write about them, because that was really nice of her and she managed to find a seller who had three out of five ponies, I didn’t have already, which is pretty darn impressive.

I guess life goes on, for those of us still here. Sometimes though, I have to stop and look at the foal in that picture and feel so hollow inside I can hardly breathe. But then I smile, and show off my My Little Pony collection, and the new additions.

Snuzzle.

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Fifi.

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Pony Bride.

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And all five of them, including a Cherries Jubilee and a Peachy.

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Some days feel more surreal than others. Some days I think I have recovered from the loss of Apollon and other days I truly think that I might need help, because losing not only Apollon, but Poseidon, Amalia and Legacy in close proximity, really did a number on me.

But then I hug my Snuzzle and dust myself off and go play with my youngsters.

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Most of the time, life truly does go on. I even try not to freak out every time my youngsters get a swelling somewhere, and I keep telling myself that whatever killed Apollon was not contagious. I will not lose another horse this way again. It was something that went wrong inside him. That new, soft, mysterious swelling Saleem has developed out of nowhere on his left hind hook, that has nothing to do with how Apollon developed those kinds of swellings at first… Saleem has just managed to twist that hook, while playing, that is perfectly normal and it will go away. I will not become paranoid…

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But I will be driving myself insane, most of the time… It’s what I do.

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Thanks Noel, for the ponies, and for making me smile today, it was rather perfectly timed.

And thank you Baby, for our 13 years together. Maybe someday in the future, I will smile when this day comes, and I will remember the foal that walked into my life and spent every single day for our first ten years together, trying to kill me, but not just yet… Right now, I just think I should have done better by you, somehow. I hope you know that I always tried my very, very best.

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About Starstone

-Owned by horses. Writer, Photographer, Director, Musician.
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