On October 31st 2008 I brought home five year old Legacy. It was a cold day, he was very lame when he unloaded from the trailer, he smelled horribly, like a horse that had been left with the same rug on for far too long and hadn’t been groomed in a long time. I remember looking at this magnificent animal as I unloaded him, soaked in sweat, wondering if I was crazy.
Why did I have to bring him home? Could I fix him? Did he really have a chance? It wasn’t a truly joyous occasion, realizing that he was finally mine now. Legacy came with a huge amount of responsibility and a very real potential for heart break.
Losing my fight for him, in March 2011, I know that I am done taking chances like this one.
I wouldn’t have not known Legacy for the world, he was a precious, precious gem, the most loving, kind, and gentle horse I have ever had the privilege of knowing, and as such, it is still breaking my heart to think of how I couldn’t save him in the end. How his body was simply broken.
(Legacy and Saleem)
At the end of October 2012, three year old, pregnant Tardis arrived. She was soaked in sweat as well, as she unloaded, having been sedated to enter the trailer, and having been dressed in a rug that was a size too big, hanging around her knees.
Yes, that is right, it is two years by now, since Tardis joined us. In those two years she has grown so much, she has learned not to push people around, (mostly,) she has learned not to bully people, (yes she was a bit of a locomotive, used to steamrolling her way through life,) she has been (almost) broken in, and is able to be ridden at a walk and at a trot, without a saddle, and she has had the most amazing foal in the entire world.
Tardis was a rather fantastic pony right from the get go. She always seemed open minded and took to trusting me right away. When she had Ablaze, she walked right up to me and threw herself at my feet, delivering him almost on top of me, even though she has a whole pasture.
Trusting as she is, there has always been something a bit closed off about her, like she would only let me in, so far… Like she wasn’t entirely sure that I was here to stay. The same could be said for the way she viewed the other horses. When she arrived at my pasture, she instantly took a shine to Apollon and he to her. (Tardis had had three previous owners in her short life, before me, so small wonder if she didn’t think the horses or the humans were all that worth investing in.)
(Tardis and Apocalipse)
As tragedy would have it, Tardis and Apollon only had a month together, as Apollon got horribly sick a week after she had arrived, at the beginning of November.
(Tardis and Ablaze)
After he was euthanized, on December 10th, Tardis stuck to herself, and when her foal arrived she loved him, like she never loved any of the others.
In the last six months, she has grown to like Apocalipse though, quite a lot. I do see them together on a lot of evenings now, scratching each other’s backs, looking quite happy together.
(Tardis and Apocalipse)
It warms my heart to see her slowly investing in the other horses, believing that she might have a future with us after all. Still, I can’t help but tell her how sorry I am, that Apollon died from us.
I can’t help but apologizing to her, for the start she had with me. I wish she had arrived at a happier time in our lives. I wish that every time I will be celebrating my anniversary with her, I wouldn’t be thinking of how Legacy should have lived and how Apollon… should have lived. I wish I wouldn’t forever connect her arrival in my life with the loss of Apollon and with the date where the horse that broke my heart more than any other, became mine.
So yes, I tell her that I am sorry, because I am. I am sorry that she never got to know Legacy. I am sorry that Apollon died from her.
(Tardis and Apollon)
And I am sorry for the dark place my mind goes, when I think of her first time with us, remembering most of all snow, cold, and Apollon, dying, no matter what I did to fight it.
I sat with her on the pasture today, while she ate, and I told her all of that, and you know what, she understands and she forgives me. She really does. As much as she is warming up to Apocalipse these days, she is showing more and more interest in me as well, scratching my neck when I least expect it, blowing air in my face, you know, engaging me in a way she never did before.
(Tardis and Ablaze)
I did promise her too, that in time, I would try and remember just how blessed I am that she is in my life, and that she brought Ablaze into my life as well. I won’t forget my two boys, and I don’t think I will ever forgive the world that tore them from me way too soon, but for Tardis, I should try not to dwell on it too much anymore.
(Apollon and Legacy)
After all, a two year anniversary, that is pretty cool, isn’t it? For a five year old mare, that is nearly half of her life, she has been with me now.
I did realize too, becoming all sentimental, that Saleem has been with me for six and a half years now. It feels like nothing, like he is still young, (which he is,) like you know, we haven’t grown up at all.
When I was a kid, and had Poseidon, six and a half years seemed like forever. Nearly impossible, when every day could have been our last, his, because I gave up on him or mine, because he might happen to kill me. Six and a half years was something we earned, Poseidon and I. Our fourteen years together, we earned every single day.
With Saleem, time just flies. He is so gentle, so sweet, so easy to be around…
Just like Tardis. And this Halloween is for her. For the first time since 2008, it is not for Legacy anymore. This is her time now. It has to be.