To Go, Or Not…

I am busy driving myself insane these days. The boyfriend has found an X-Wing tournament in Germany, in about a month from now, and he is really set on going. As in, both of us, going.

As much as I love playing that game, it is just not something I do. I mean, go to Germany for a weekend? Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a bulletproof refusal for those kinds of ideas. Who then, is going to feed the horses? I simply cannot go.

As much as that is true, I do realize too, that maybe I have been using my horses as a bit of an excuse for most of my life. Maybe, I could go. Perhaps the world would not implode, if I took a weekend off and played a tournament.

I don’t have Poseidon anymore. Truth is, anyone who is able to just ignore Marble, and avoid her dragon fire when you feed them, would be able to feed my horses. Technically, I could go.

It sure would be fun… And a good way to try out my skills before the national championships… But… But… But…

Jumping straight to my other fallback excuse. We can’t afford it. I mean, I would need a passport, (no I don’t have one, I never go anywhere, for obvious reasons,) which is expensive, we would need to borrow a car and the gas alone, going to Germany is costing about what we usually use for eating for a week, not to mention that we would have to find a place to sleep between Saturday and Sunday and that isn’t free either and… No, no, no, there is no way we can afford that. And, who would look after my horses?

And what list would I play? I mean, my double Decimators were fantastic in the last store championship, but there is one list I know it cannot beat. The Millennium Falcon list the boyfriend is playing. Going to a tournament, knowing that your list has a serious weakness and that said weakness is joining us all weekend, is kind of annoying. So, lately we have been testing different lists and so far, all I can say is that flying without my Decimators, (at least one of them,) is hardly any fun, but add to that, we haven’t come up with a list that is versatile enough just yet, to make it through a huge tournament.

Which means, that we are probably going to have to buy some new ships as well, if we are going, to make a list that is good enough…

Totally cannot afford that. No way, ho how. Forget it. And who will look after my horses?

Truth is, we could probably make it work. Both the money and the horses. Truth is too, that what I am most afraid of is not being a little more broke for a month than I usually am, or leaving my kiddos to someone else. Nah, what I am really stalling about is my commitment.

For all of my years as a rider who has competed in show jumping and dressage, every chance I got, I always wanted to compete, right until the day arrived. Then, once the show day arrived, I didn’t really want to do it after all, and I started looking for excuses to back out. Like, it rains… Or, what if the horse won’t load into the trailer… Or, I don’t know, doesn’t that shoe look lose?

I would have a thousand different reasons to back out, flying through my head the night before a show and all day, during the show. I always made myself go anyway, because I knew that afterwards, I would be happy that I had not backed out. Even that one show with Amalia, when the girth broke half way through, and we still completed all the obstacles… As much as I hate competing, I have a diehard competitive personality, when push comes to shove.

The only time I remember that I did back out of a show, in the last minute, was the last show I should have done with Apollon, when Apocalipse kicked me in the face that morning, leaving me with a lump on my forehead, rendering me unable to force my helmet down on my head. I even called them and asked for permission to ride without the helmet. When that was denied, I had to cancel.

So, that is how my crazy mind works… I want to go, I don’t want to go, I want to run away screaming and at the same time, I would compete with the last breath there is in me.

Having decided to no longer compete with the horses, is a huge relieve for me, really. (Lots of reasons for that, not just my crazy mind, mostly I am despising the federations and refuse to support the animal abuse they allow in the sport these days.)

How then, would I handle a weekend away from home, playing X-Wing with a bunch of other geeks?

Truth is, that is really what I am afraid of. I don’t do too good, away from my horses. What if, I am sitting in Germany on Saturday night, and I desperately want to go home and hug my babies? But I can’t, because we all know that the boyfriend is going to make the cut and play the finals on Sunday?

There is no easy way to say it, but the reason why I am really stalling now, is because I am afraid of my own mind. I have a tendency to become very depressed when I am away from my horses, even for a day. Whenever my friends and I have been doing stuff that took me away from my horses, I start thinking, what if the car crashes? What if I won’t see them again? If I die here, who is going to look after them? Who is going to be sensitive about Apocalipse and Saleem and their headshaking? Who is going to love Marble, despite her aggressiveness? And if I suddenly disappear, how is Tardis ever going to trust in humans again? She has been sold so many times already… And Ablaze… My dear, sweet Ablaze, who still bites and rears up against people at random, even though he is turning two this year. What would happen to him, if I died?

Of course, if the boyfriend survived, he could keep some of them, but who would he have to sell, without my income? And since we would be in the same car, what if we both died… How would my mom ever handle taking care of the horses until they could find new homes?

See, that’s how fast I go from, “It could be fun, but maybe a little expensive,” to “I’ll never see my horses again and they will be sold and beaten and broken in uncaring hands…”

I know. I should not think like that. But I do. So, the question is, could I survive a weekend away, mentally or am I just too crazy to go?

(I am not afraid to die, please don’t misunderstand. But I am terrified to leave my horses behind.)

I know that you all probably think that it would be good for me to go. You know, to learn. To let go, to live, and to separate myself from my horses… Unhealthy obsession and all that, I know. I call it love. And that, I will not compromise or separate myself from.

And the way I am fixing this problem? Easy. The way I always do. I stall, I think about it, I drag my feet, until suddenly all the spots are taken and we can’t sign up anymore. Which, of course, means that the boyfriend, who is waiting for me to say yes, is not going either…

And that is hardly fair, is it?

I hate my mind sometimes. Perhaps if Applejack goes with me, I could make it?

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But… What about the cat? Won’t she be lonely without us?


About Starstone

-Owned by horses. Writer, Photographer, Director, Musician.
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