Who You Were Born To Be

When I was a kid, I grew up like any other kid in Denmark. I was told that one day, I’d meet the right guy, get married and have kids. You know, variations of the Disney Princess stories, of Prince Charming, sweeping you off your feet and living happily ever after.

My answer was always, “I don’t want kids.” And then, people would smile, at this foolish little blonde girl, who thought she knew who she was, at such a young age. I was told, without exception; “Wait and see. Once you grow up, you will feel differently. You will want kids at some point. Just you wait…”

And if I tried to object and claim that I did not want to get married either, people would snicker and tell me once more, “Just wait. Once you meet the right guy, you will want to get married.”

I stopped eating meat as well, when I was six years old. The thought of eating another animals dead body always made me sick. My entire family shunned me ever since. I was not invited to any family gatherings, if it could be avoided, (still isn’t,) because what do you feed a girl who won’t eat normal food? At the time, I am sure people thought it was just a phase, and that I would out grow it, especially if they tried to bully me into eating meat again. My grandparents would not go through a single Christmas, without letting me eat nothing but potatoes, because it was the only thing they couldn’t stuff meat into, and heaven forbid that one might make a vegetable pie or something else for the girl who felt sick at the sight of the Christmas duck. Once I found my boyfriend and we started celebrating Christmas at his mother’s house instead, it was a huge relief for me, no longer having to put up with being heckled through every Christmas dinner, and having to smile, be polite and not eat anything all evening.

I realize that not having kids, not getting married, and not eating meat, is a choice. All of it. I could just chose to be normal. Right?

I would beg to differ. This is who I am. This is who I always was. I knew, when I was a kid, that this is what feels right for me, and no matter what kind of pressure was laid on me, from my surroundings, it wasn’t something I could change.

As I have grown up, I have come to realize that marriage may not be a bad thing, if you share a life with someone. But for me, if I were to get married, it would have nothing to do with romance. It would be because of the legal side of it, and how much easier it is to make sure that what is mine, goes to my boyfriend, if I should get hit by a bus and die.  So today, no, I would not object to being married, but I still would object to getting married.

I have no need for the world, or my friends, to celebrate my love for my partner, with me. All I ask is that they accept him, as a huge part of my life, and theirs as well, if we are to remain friends. But for me, romance, and what I have with my boyfriend, is so deeply personal, that I wouldn’t want to draw anyone into it, in any kind of way, and having some stranger, be it a priest or someone else, tell me that I now belong to him, (and him to me,) still feels like a violation of everything I am. It is nobody’s business but mine, and my boyfriend’s.

As far as children goes, the idea still hurts on a very instinctive level. It is hard to describe. I wouldn’t mind raising a child. I wouldn’t mind teaching it and loving it and watching it grow up. I would mind carrying it inside me, feeling it grow inside me… I would feel utterly handicapped, unable to be with my horses, without putting the unborn child in danger, unable to be everything that makes me, me. I don’t have “safe” horses; my horses are wild, and accidents happen in the blink of an eye. I would have to change how I train them, how I am with them, if I suddenly had a child’s life inside me. And even writing this sentence makes me shudder. I knew when I was a kid, and nothing has changed. I really, really, don’t want to be pregnant. Ever.

What I am saying is, I guess, that it is very easy to discriminate against those who are not like yourself. When I grew up, homosexuality was not an option. It was not something I was ever confronted with, or told about. You are a girl, you grow up to marry a man, have kids and be normal.

I guess it wasn’t discrimination from my surroundings, as much as ignorance, as it is with most things. Therefore, I never thought about putting a label on myself, that said either gay or straight or bi, because it didn’t exist in my world. And when I had my first sexual encounters, it was with other girls, and to be honest, it just felt natural, and I never added the pieces together, labeling me as bisexual, until many years later.

It isn’t something I talk about, but it is not something I deny either. All of you, reading this, who didn’t know, you have never asked me. Again, this is rather personal for me, and I don’t go broadcasting that side of my life. I don’t need everybody to know. But if you had asked, I would have never denied it. If it doesn’t come up though, it really doesn’t matter to anyone besides me, and my partner. Come to think of it, I don’t think he has ever asked me either… Oh, well…

Anyway, it means a lot to me, to see how many of my friends on face book, are changing their profile pictures into rainbow ones, celebrating that gay marriage is now legal in all states in the USA. At long last, one may add.

As much as I don’t understand the need to get married, I understand how important it is, to not discriminate against each other, and I am happy for all the gays out there, who can now finally have the same legal rights as everybody else, at least when it comes to marriage.

I can’t help but wonder how history will view this one day. Looking back on us, foolish little people of 2015, finally allowing same-sex marriage, and shaking their heads in shame, that is took us so long to get around to this. It shouldn’t be a big deal, really. Much like how women finally won the right to vote. It should never have been an issue of debate to begin with, but since it was, it really is a big deal, once basic equal rights finally wins out.

The right to be who you were born to be, and still have the same opportunities as everyone else.

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Rainbow Dash was here… Sonic Rainboom’s all around!


About Starstone

-Owned by horses. Writer, Photographer, Director, Musician.
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One Response to Who You Were Born To Be

  1. jen says:

    We were in New Orleans for volleyball when the news hit that the Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage. We had CNN on whenever we were in our hotel room, and seeing the White House lit up in rainbow colors was incredible. It was one of those historic moments we’ll look back on and always remember exactly where we were and how we felt….at least I will. 🙂

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