I have been really lousy at updating my blog these days, or sharing what is going on in my life, except for a few updates on what we are working on with Dark Mare Pictures. Truth is, not much else has been going on for me lately, mostly because I have been withdrawing in every possible way.
I have been thinking a lot lately, about what happens when I do that, because it isn’t the first time I have been cutting off almost all human interaction. Truth is, I have been pretty good at doing that, for long periods of my life, all of my life.
I know that I have been impossibly sad lately, I can’t seem to bounce back since Legacy died in 2011. Losing him, then Amalia, Poseidon and Apollon, within two years, has been really hard and I still can’t seem to find a way out of how heartbroken I feel.
I have been telling myself that it will pass. Grief is okay. Just cry it out when you are alone. Don’t bother people with it. They were just horses. Who is going to understand how this is killing me?
Truth is, that maybe it isn’t. Maybe, this is who I am.
I remember when I was a kid, long before I had horses. I didn’t hate school, but I had times, when I just couldn’t get out of the door in the morning. I had months on end, where I would get up, eat a piece of cake for breakfast, because I could not eat anything else, and then I would end up crying on the floor in the hallway, unable to make myself get my coat of the hanger and walk out the door.
My mom used to think that it was because I was being bullied at school, of because I didn’t like the teachers, or… I don’t know what she was thinking. It can’t have been easy for her, either. The one thing I do know, is that I didn’t mind school. I wasn’t being bullied. True, I never liked most of my teachers, but I didn’t hate them either. On the few days, where I actually managed to get out of the front door, I was kind of happy at school. I remember being surprised by how I didn’t hate school, when I was there, and how impossible it could seem for me to get out of the door in the morning and actually go there. I always wondered what happened with me, when I just couldn’t breathe and dissolved into tears.
I haven’t thought much about it since I got Poseidon. With him, I had a reason to walk out that door, every single day for 15 years. It was his life on the line. No one could feed that horse, or touch it, or take care of it, besides me. Sure, I still had days where I cried in the morning, when I was leaving home, all the way to the stable in fact, but I never stayed home. My stubbornness and my need to keep Poseidon safe always won out, no matter how miserable I felt at times.
I did have a brief spell when I first got Legacy, where I realized that I was falling apart so badly, that I may not be able to keep handling it, by just being stubborn. I actually went to see my doctor at the time, asking for help. I had no idea who to turn to. For me, to call up a doctor and actually make an appointment is extraordinary. I never do that. The mere thought of picking up my phone, asking for help, admitting to myself that I have a problem… I can cry about that for months, refusing to make that phone call.
My doctor didn’t listen though. They told me that if I wasn’t really sick, they didn’t have time to see me, and cancelled my appointment. Needless to say, I didn’t ask for help again. And I pulled through. I always did. I always do.
I am not sure what happened now, to make me withdraw again, but looking back on my life, this feels familiar. Way too familiar.
I remember, asking my mom about my dad. I never knew him, because he was abusive. Long story. But one of the few things I do remember her telling me about him, was that he would lock himself up sometimes, in a little room, for weeks on end, with The Lord of the Rings, (the books), and his coffee and cigarettes and he would disappear completely. I remember, even as a kid, and hearing that story, I related. I even asked my mom, more than once, if whatever he was suffering from, might be hereditary. My mom always told me that I couldn’t be manic depressive, like my father probably was. I was never manic.
Truth is, in my family, you view mental issues, much like my doctor did. If you are not really sick, you just need to get it together and move on.
These days, I am having a hard time pretending. I can’t get myself to pick up my phone, when my friends try to call me. Not that I don’t want to talk to them, I just… don’t want to talk. To anyone. And the phone is so intrusive, I almost feel sick every time it lights up and there is a text waiting for me to read.
I am even finding myself losing interest in my horses, and that, more than anything else, scares me. I have wondered, what my life would be like, if I didn’t have them. If I could just stay home all day and never have to go out, for any reason, because no one really needed me…
And I know that they are my life line. Without them, I would disappear. I need them, to need me. I need Poseidon. These horses I have now, I can ask the boyfriend to take care of them. They won’t kill him. They love him, just as much as they love me. They would be fine, even if I didn’t go for a day or two…
Every time I start thinking like that, I hang on to that one horse I do have, who wouldn’t be fine without me. Ablaze would miss me. He and the boyfriend still doesn’t get along too well. Ablaze needs me in his life. Not as much as I need him, but enough to make me go, every day, even on the days where I can’t handle people.
The guy who owns the farm where my horses live, is usually at work when I show up, which is kind of the main idea. I know when he won’t be there, and I make sure to avoid him as much as possible, because I can’t handle if he talks to me. Imagine that… Some guy, possibly asking me a question I wasn’t prepared for…
So, how do I ever get anything done, feeling like this? Well, I schedule things. I set myself up for them. When we have a shoot for Dark Mare, I know that we are going, I prepare my game face and I set myself up to spend the whole day focusing on doing something I am good at, and I actually enjoy it. But I can’t just jump in without notice. I need plans for my life to work out. The last time we were shooting, one of the guys asked if we could change the time on some of the locations. I told them that they could, but I couldn’t go then. I simply couldn’t handle the last second change of plans. That was not what I had set myself up for.
I know that my mom thinks I am being manipulating, when I can’t handle even the smallest things sometimes, without crying. I guess that is why I don’t speak of this to anyone. The last thing I want, is to come across as manipulating. I am not one of those women who control my surroundings by crying. I don’t want to be. But sometimes, I just can’t help it, no matter how irrational it may be.
I had a dream about Legacy the other night. Just a brief glimpse. In the dream, someone showed me a video of a horse, and Legacy was in the back of the video, shaking his head, his long mane moving perfectly, like it used to. I spend most of that day watching stupid series on Netflix, or sitting at my stable, crying.
My boyfriend had one of our friends over, and I could hardly stand to say hello to him, without crying.
It is the strangest thing. I really never considered myself a person who would break into tears over nothing. In our family, we never cry. We keep everything inside and face the world with a perfect smile. And so do I. Only sometimes it is harder than others. Sometimes, I really need to disappear for most days. Luckily, the boyfriend seems to get it, without asking questions. I do feel horrible about it though, because I don’t want to shut him out, but I don’t know what to say to him.
I am writing this, not because I am asking for help. I am not. I am writing this, because some of my friends have been wondering lately, and I can’t tell them, because I don’t know what to say. I am fine. I really am. Just don’t call me. Please don’t text me. Just… be there, when I come out on the other side. I will.
I am meeting some of my friends this weekend and I am truly looking forward to that. I know, that when the day comes, it will take a lot of effort for me, to actually get out the door and meet them, but I will do so, because I want to see them. And because I am already able to start setting myself up for this evening.
So if you are reading this, I guess it is because you are one of those who wondered why I am suddenly so silent. I hope this explains something, even if I am not sure what. Welcome to the crazy, that is my mind.
On the plus side, I am going over the pages of The Shadow of Time, the last book in the Starstone Series, these days, editing it one last time, and I am planning a cover design for it as well. I am not doing nothing. I just… need to do most thing alone right now.