I have been gaining a lot of weight lately. Yep, you read that right. Over the last year or so, I have put on about 20 kg. Truth is, I have kind of let it happen, because part of me liked to not be that stick- thin girl anymore. Part of me felt a little more normal, once my ass got bigger, you know? No offence, but being thin isn’t all that easy. For some reason, people tend to feel that they can say all kinds of cruel things to you, about your body, just because you are thin. Or skinny. Or look like a ghost. Or a Barbie doll. Or, maybe they won’t even see me, if I turn sideways… Or, whatever. No picking on fat girls, but skinny ones…

Anyway, that is not the only reason why I have been putting on weight. Some of the reasons, I can’t really write about here, but I will say that my heart has been a contributing factor. And I know that sounds strange, but my heart acts up, every time I am hungry. It has done so for years, but it got real bad a few years ago.

I know that I have been very hard on my body in the past, and ignored when I was hungry, because I just had a few more hours of stable work to do, before I could eat anything, and so forth.

I know that I have spent most of my life, ignoring every single warning sign my body has thrown at me, and at some point, it started fighting back, developing a mild heart condition.

It took a while before I started listening to it though. Once I did, it was kind of a relief, to be honest.

I have never had any other means of transportation than my bike or the bus. I don’t have a drivers licence. I could never afford one, because I always had a little too many horses when I was younger, and well… I still do. But then, I got the scooter, and for the first time ever, I was able to be transported without spending too much energy on it. And it was awesome. It really helped quiet down my heart a lot, not having to push my body so much, all the time.

Yes, I put on a bit of weight, when I got the scooter, but it never bothered me. It was kind of nice, my body was much happier than it used to be.

Truth is, there is two sides of me. One, that doesn’t care what I look like at all, that just want to be pain free and not wake up screaming in the nights, because my knees or any other joint, was acting up. They did that a lot, when I was riding my bike all the time.

And the other side, that feel like it is losing control, when I gain weight. That other side, that listens a little too much, when my mom calls my chubby, or my boyfriend, who means very well, by the way, calls me curvy.

The truth is, I am neither. I am, for the first time ever, within my healthy BMI. My family just doesn’t look like that. We are all skinny. I do believe that I am currently the heaviest girl in my family. So, chubby.

And so what?

Back in the day, I would just cut back on what I was eating, if I needed to lose weight. Yeah, I have been very thin sometimes, and it wasn’t always just because I was working hard. I used to be very good at not eating as well, when I was a teenager. But I can’t do that anymore.

Aside from my heart, refusing to let me get away with it, I get completely depressed when I am hungry. And I mean, sit-down-and-cry instantly, depressed. I have to eat. My days of controlling my body like that, are over.

So, what to do then? Live with the extra 20 kg? Buy new clothes and accept that I may be a little too heavy to ride my young horses or my pony? I haven’t really ridden all year anyway, so what, if I just don’t start again?

Part of me have loved not riding, the bike or the horses, just sitting in front of the computer, watching series after series, eating popcorn and drinking cola, no longer having heart issues, and being able to get out of the chair without flinching in pain when my joints had to support me.

I know, it sounds strange, that putting on weight has helped my joints, but it has.

At the same time, I know that I can’t be that girl forever. It is not in me to let go of control like that.

I have taken up running lately. Actually, I sort of started that during the summer, but I didn’t stick with it. I had a billion excuses, like it was too hot, too humid, too whatever… and then I sprained my ankle and kind of got away from it. And back to watching Netflix…

I am doing better now, though. Not because I want to be as skinny as I used to be, but simply because, I don’t want to be too heavy to ride my little horses, if I do, one day, decide to want to pick up riding again. I owe them better than that. And I don’t want to outgrow my clothes. I can’t afford to buy new ones… (Almost not kidding…)

Add to that, I have been struggling a lot more lately, with depression, than I used to, when I was doing hard physical work all day. I suck at just watching Netflix. I need exercise, and more than I get from feeding and hugging the horses every day. (Let’s face it, as a writer, I don’t have to move around a lot…) I need to feel like I am in control of some small part of my life.

So, I am going to do this right this time. I am going to exercise, and train my body, rather than starve and over work it. Having made up my mind about that, at long last, gives me a focus that allows me to take running seriously.

I always wanted to be able to run, but I never could, for various reasons. It always bothered me when I had young horses, that I couldn’t run with them. And it has been a bit of an uphill battle, picking it up, but I actually feel like I am going somewhere now. Even if it turns out that I am not losing weight at all, from running, it hardly matters, because at least now, I am able to run with the horses.

I will say, my writing is much more focused as well, when I go for a run in the evening, instead of just staying in front of the computer for hours and hours.

So, this is me, I guess, regaining some kind of control of my life, through something I could have sworn I would never, ever (be able to) do. Running.

Who would have thought…


About Starstone

-Owned by horses. Writer, Photographer, Director, Musician.
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