I don’t believe I should be left alone with Photoshop. I’ve been working on the cover for the first book in The Legacy trilogy, (my next book series,) and while that has been a whole lot of fun, I have needed some picture manipulating practice.
I am a perfectionist when it comes to my covers. These pictures sure don’t measure up, but they have been fun to do. And by the way, they are completely unrelated to my books. They came to be, because some of the actors from Supernatural are starting a crisis line where fans can call for help, and I figured that was a good enough idea for me to support it by buying the t-shirts. I’m not necessarily over enthusiastic about the “You are not alone,” or the “Love yourself first” message, I kinda felt that “Always keep fighting” struck a chord in me, that the two others don’t. That said, I absolutely support the idea of helping others, giving people who need it, a network. Someone to catch them before they stop fighting.
I guess it is no secret to anyone that I am still struggling to deal with the suicide of one of my childhood friends. If I could go back in time, and change one thing, I would go back to the night she killed herself and never let her out of my sight again.
Or just, you know… make sure she knew that she was not alone? I guess that is why I don’t really like that message. So many things I could have done differently, to get that across.
As for loving myself first, that will never be me. I learned to put myself first, when I was a teenager, because my horse, Poseidon, needed me alive. Whenever he put me in danger, I fought tooth and nail to come out on the other side, because if I was not fit to handle him, no one was. I put my life first, because without me, there was no him. Ironically, Janis may have been one of the few people to understand that…
So as much as I appreciate the idea of these messages, I feel slightly hypocritical, wearing them. The truth is, she was alone that night, no matter how sad we all are that she did not keep fighting. The truth is too, that we are alone, in dealing with the vacuum she left behind.
I am the “always keep fighting” kind of person. I always was, even if I have had a certain disregard for my own safety, working with the kind of horses I have worked with, over the years. It has been 11 years and I still can’t wrap my head around how she was so alone and so without a network… How she did not know that she could always call me, or her sister, or… Anyone of us, really.
I hope the SPN network can make a difference. So far, judging from the social media responses I have seen, it already has, without having been launched yet. I see people asking strangers for help online, almost every day, and I see people rally to show love and support. It is really impressing.
As for the cover of my book… I’m not quite ready to let anyone other than a select few guinea pigs see them. Thanks guys, you know who you are. The ones I keep bothering at all hours of the day, going “is this weird? I mean, too weird, even for me?” Sorry. I would like to say that I’ll stop it, but we all know that would be a lie.
And now I have to share this again. Just because.