I’ve been feeling pretty unbalanced lately, hence the lack of brilliant posts on this blog. (Yes, ordinarily I am pretty brilliant, of course… Or Ironic… Whichever you like most.)
It doesn’t take much to knock me off my rocker, so to speak. The guy who owns my pasture has been causing a fuss over the way I have my hay delivered and it really gets to me. I know it shouldn’t, but I can’t let it go, whenever he starts to behave like that.
I have a lot of hay delivered every month. I have 5 horses, three of them still growing up. Between them, they eat about 2400+ kg a month. I have no way of handling it myself, but luckily I have some very awesome “haymen” with huge machines to help me out.
And it was raining the other day, when one of them delivered some of my hay. And the wheels of his tractor dragged mud on to the courtyard. Now, that doesn’t usually happen, but it does now, because the guy who owns the place, has told me to have my hay dropped off in a new place; incidentally, the muddiest spot on the entire property. This is a problem he created, and now he wants me to solve it, basically. Preferably by not having hay delivered when it rains, or by tractor… Both of which are completely impossible for me to achieve.
Yesterday was International Table Top Day. Which basically means that nerds gather and play games all day. I had actually been looking forward to that, which is new for me. I usually despise people and socializing.
It was pouring down when I showed up at my stable yesterday morning, to take care of the horses before I went and played the nerd for the rest of the day. I hadn’t planned on staying at the stable for a long time, to be perfectly honest. Rain and mud really kills my spirits as well, these days. I feel like that has been most of my life, and it is starting to get to me somehow. Anyway…
The owner showed up instantly and spent about an hour, in the pouring rain, bitching about the mud in his courtyard, (which was totally washing away…) and coming up with all kinds of none solutions, like “if you didn’t water the horses next to the hay, it wouldn’t be so wet…” Which is true and so not true. I could hardly stand to argue that the reason the ground it wet where my hay is, is because of gravity. You know, it is the lowest spot on the pasture, which means that when it RAINS, all the rain gathers there… I am not much for science, but even I… Trying not to be snide or too angry or rude, (which is very hard for me,) I listened to him all the while knowing that most of my plans for Table Top Day was being changed, because I was now wet and late and mostly just wanting to go home and curl up in my bed and cry for the rest of the day.
Welcome to my head.
Once I escaped him, I nearly canceled going to Table Top day at all. The prospect of having to deal with people for the rest of the day, was too much. I have to say, I am a little proud of myself, that I did go after all. And I am very glad that I did.
We have a local store, Dragons Lair, where we usually play tournaments and such, and of course they hosted Table Top Day as well. I knew that the boyfriend wanted to play Hordes and War Machines with one of his friends, which is a game I cannot play because it requites the ability to do math very fast and without a calculator. I couldn’t do that to save my own life, much less the life of my army, so…
While they were playing, I found some complete strangers to play with. Imagine that. Brave, ha? Still not curling up in a corner. Points on the Always Keep Fighting scale…
Ironically we played a game which felt a lot like we were all in the first 5 minutes of Supernatural, as we went exploring an old and haunted house…
I’ll spare you the details of every Table Top game. I’ll just show this Dire Troll from the boyfriend’s enemy, who is busy knocking over a tree… That is awesome… Just saying…
So yeah, I was hanging in there through most of the day, putting on a smiley face. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done.
We ended the day by playing Werewolf, which is a game that requires a huge group of people and not much else. Oh yeah, and it does require the will to kill off others. That’s sort of it. I have not played it before, so being thrown head first into a game of manipulation, people skills, bluffs and strategics, was slightly daunting. Not to mention, I didn’t know most of the people and for some reason, I didn’t feel like killing off strangers.
The others had no such issues, which was pretty amusing. It is a completely irrational game, based on all the worst qualities in human nature. Mostly mob-mentality. Ganging up on others.
I have to say, reading body language like I do, and having played games like BattleStar and X Wing with the boyfriend for years, I knew that both of us was being super manipulative and able to see through a lot of the others scheming. Actually, I think it is a good game for nerds to play, improving their ability to read others… No offence, but that is my specialty, that’s how I have survived the equestrian world for as long as I have. It always surprises me when others don’t pick up on body language…
Anyway, it was a super funny game to play and we played it twice. All the while it was getting dark outside and I tried to ignore the fact that I had to get back to the stable once we were done. Sometimes it is just nice to not be the equestrian girl.
I left Table Top Day, smiling for the first time that day, mussing to myself over what makes it so much human nature to kill off others, in order to save themselves… And I drove to my stable in the dark. At least it had stopped raining.
The second I set foot on the property, I could feel my smile slipping. The prospect of having to deal with this place made me feel sick. Not the horses, but returning to this issue that had been pulled down over my head, and which I had no chance of solving. The hay delivery situation.
I thought about that a lot today. I shouldn’t feel my spirits dying when I show up at my stable. This is where I should be happy. My horses is what should be making me smile. I will have to find some way to fix that permanently, because I simply can’t go on like that.
I had the boyfriend back me up today, with the owner of the place. I hate that. I hate not being able to handle everything myself, but this guy bullies me and he doesn’t even know it. Anything that threatens the perfect life I am fighting to give my horses, cuts me down instantly.
The sun was shining today though, and I actually went riding, once we reached some sort of solution with the owner of the farm. I had thought I’d go to some of the rallies for Labor Day, but as it turned out, once we were done debating hay and mud and tractors, it was kinda too late to hear any of the politicians speeches, and it would just be drunk people and even if I am fighting to improve my people skills, that is something I don’t want to handle right now.
So, in conclusion to this pathetic self pitying post, I am still quoting Supernatural to myself most days.
I’m fine. I really am. And I’m smiling. I’ll get a handle on this too. I always do. Until then, I’ll be grateful that Dragons Lair got me away from it all for half a day, and actually made me laugh for real for a change.
Well played, Werewolf. Well played.