Answers


So, the vet came by today. Saleem did have some sharp edges on his teeth, so that is what they are thinking is wrong when he won’t eat. They are not really buying my theory of a sore throat without a fever… I am honestly not sure what to think. I mean, I’m glad we got the sharp edges off his teeth, but I can’t shake the feeling that we are missing something.

This evening, he was eating, but he still seems troubled. I know, that can be because he just had his teeth fixed, that usually takes some adjustment. I’m just not jumping for joy yet.

We got Ablaze and Tardis looked over as well. Ablaze is always trouble to sedate, he hates needles, so I had gotten some sedation to give him beforehand. Something that did not need to be injected.

The last time we did that, it hardly worked. He still put up a hell of a fight when the vet showed up. This time, it worked. He was out cold. I carried him, more or less, while we did his teeth.

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Poor baby. It took him forever to wake up again.

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Apocalipse was totally jealous, and once the vet left, he joined Saleem and Ablaze, in their sleeping. Look at that. He was so sedated too… Yes, we do everything as a team around here.

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I did have a few issues with Tardis, though, that I had to ask the vet about. I keep seeing Apollon in her, and it is scaring me. The way I was always told that he was “just fat” and how it never really felt right in my heart.

I know, Tardis looks fat. But truth is, you can easily feel her ribs. She does have edema under her belly. A lot like Apollon did. She is gathering fluid in her soft tissue. I need to know why, before it is too late. With Apollon, it escalated, and he got too sick, too fast and I never had the chance to truly find out what killed him.

Tardis is not sick. She is happy, healthy, energetic. She is the beta mare on my pasture. She rocks. She just have some weird edemas. It’s not a heart issue, by the way. First thing we checked.

So, the vet suggested that we checked her for EMS. Which is basically, a metabolic issue. For which we need blood samples. Taken after 8 hours of not eating, to make sure the sugar level in the blood is unaffected.

I have no stall. No box to close her up in. There is grass on my pasture. I have no where to put her for 8 hours, to keep her starving.

Which means that tomorrow, the boyfriend and I will be hanging out with her in a halter, keeping her from eating, all day, and the vet will come by at 4, before she gets off work, to take the samples.

That is going to be cold. And she is going to be angry. But I have to check for this. If it is EMS, she can get help. If it is not, I need to look somewhere else for my answers.

Tardis is only 7 years old. The vet thinks she is too young for EMS, but it is possible. I will agree that she is not a typical case. The vet did think it was very reasonable to be worried about her edemas. So this is what we’ll do.

It is always hard, with animals. I have seen so many horse owners, look for problems in their horses,  where there really was none. When ever I have a sick horse, I always ask myself; am I making this up, because I want there to be some problem, or is this really real?

I mean, I could just accept that she is fat, and get to training her more. I could just accept my responsibility and let it be my fault that I fed her too much and exercised her too little.

So, am I looking for an excuse here, because I failed her, or is she really sick?

Am I terrified of missing something, and losing her, like I did with Apollon, because I let myself be brushed off when I was sure he was in trouble? I always put his issues on me. I always accepted that he was fat and that I wasn’t doing good enough. Truth is, I was not doing good enough, but not because I fed him too much or trained him too little. I failed him, by not pushing for answers, more than I did.

Which is unfair, because I spent 13 years, pushing for answers. I just never got them. And somewhere along the line, I came to blame myself for his low immune system, his edemas, how he was easily tired, aggressive, and all in all, generally unhappy. I took it all on my shoulders, accepting that I just could not train this horse. I had no idea what I did wrong, when he was angry and kicking at me. I just never questioned that he had a reason, but if it wasn’t medical, it had to be me.

Right?

Until he crashed and burned and died.

I am not letting that go anytime soon. I am going to remind myself of that, every single minute of tomorrow, when I hold Tardis away from eating for 8 hours. This time, I want answers. This time, it is NOT my fault. What ever this is, it is medical.

I think.

Maybe.

I don’t even know what to hope for. Except, answers. Anything, really.

Any answer will do. Anything I can run with and work with. I’d love to get some answers, when it comes to Saleem as well. I am not dropping him on the floor either. I’ll have 8 hours to stare at him tomorrow, while I hold Tardis.

Excuse me a moment, while I go insane.

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About Starstone

-Owned by horses. Writer, Photographer, Director, Musician.
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