The Halter

After we moved the horses I cleaned up my things. Sorted them into things I am never going to use again, things I may use some day, and a handful of things I do actually use. And of course, emergency kits, like bandages and duct tape and stuff. You know. For injuries…. It’s an equestrian thing.

Anyway, I ended up with a huge pile of my old kiddos clothes. Poseidon, Apollon, Legacy and to some extent, Amalia, were big horses, compared to the little ones I have now. Most of their blankets were in good shape, but unless I suddenly bought a big horse, I’d never have any use for them again, and they would just lay around, taking up space in my life.

And then there were my boots. I have no idea how much money I have spent on boots, back when my horses were wearing shoes. Going through them, I felt so relieved that I am not using stuff like that anymore. Always having to protect your horse from hitting itself over the legs with its shoes… Always worrying that they would take a wrong step and pull a shoe clean off.

I ended up throwing most of my “never use again” stuff in my drive way, wondering what to do about it. I mean, I could sell if of course. Heavens know, I could use the money. The boyfriend has had no income for three months now. I am slowly drowning. But, selling it meant spending an entire day, taking pictures, writing online adds, and then, dealing with people asking me to lower the price or ship it for free and all in all, I’d probably get a lot of trouble out of it, and very little money.

The only thing I do have up for sale is Saleem’s saddle. That one, I am not giving away. Even if I am done strapping the skin of another animal onto my poor horses back.

Yeah, I despise leather. I cannot touch it without thinking that “this is someone. This is someones skin. Someones baby died for this.” Again, letting go of all my show bridles and my leather boots has been super freeing. I never have to use any of that stuff, ever again, now that I quit the sport. I always knew I hated it, but I never knew just how much until I could finally let it go.

So, in the end, I contacted a local Horse Rescue and asked if they wanted all my stuff. Either for their horses or for selling at their charity auctions. They jumped on it and they picked up everything.

I will admit, I kept a few of Amalia’s old clothes. Mostly because they were hers and they might be able to fit Saleem on a good day. And I kept her boots as well. Her pink lady boots. Everything else, I got rid of. Even Poseidon’s old halter.

Now, that halter, I actually threw out. I couldn’t stand the thought of having another horse wear it. I had kept it all these years, as a symbol. He was put into that leather halter as a three months old foal, and tied to a wall for two years. He came to me, wearing it, and it took me months to get close enough to him to get it off his face.

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In my 15 years with this horse, that halter is what we kept running from. What never stopped haunting us. What I desperately tried to save him from.

I nearly kept it. Finally letting it go, was much harder than I had expected. I always hated it. But I guess that as much as he held on to it, all of this life, so did I.

So what this post is really about, is not that I was good and gave my stuff to a charity organization. It is about letting go. Poseidon has been dead for 4 years now. I have held on to that piece of leather for 19 years. And I still know exactly where to dig up the only picture I have of it, among my endless number of horse pictures.

I’m even tearing up looking at that picture. Jeeze, Veronica, let it go already. Really. Let it go.

No wonder he never did, when I still can’t.

But sometimes it is good to clean out your life. I always hated owning too many things. I despise my mothers house, how no door can open because things are stored behind them, how every inch of wall is covered in layers of things she hasn’t used in decades. I will never, ever, end up like that. I will never let myself be owned by my things.

Not even that halter.

Just my My Little Ponies and my books. I can’t loose those. But anything else, I could wake up tomorrow without and I’d never look back.

Throwing out the halter was the first step, I guess. One day, I’ll forget about it altogether.

She said, writing a blog post about it… pathetic, I know. Apologies.

Anyway, Tardis is eating her meds nice and easy. (She was recently diagnosed with Cushings.) I was warned about giving her meds by quite a few of my friends, because they have a lot of side effects, but for once, I went with my vets. It just felt right to me. Especially, the more I read up on Cushings and treatments online…

So far, she has had no side effects, which is the first big thing. That is awesome. Secondly, I swear, she is looking better already.

I know that it is going to take time for her muscles to bounce back and for her fat deposits to go away, even the edema under her belly. I know. And I’ll be patient. But she is more confident now, she even asks the boys the share the house when it rains, which she never did before. And the edema has become easily visible without me bending down to look under her belly, which means… wait for it… her big belly is getting smaller!

The boyfriend is shaking his head at me, telling me that there is no visible difference yet, but I know I’m right. She is on the mend. And I can see a difference. Just you wait. He will too, soon. I’ll be sure to post pictures, once he agrees that it is not just in my head. And once I get my computer to cooperate with my phone…. Damn Samsung…

So, good news all around, I guess. Fingers crossed it will stay that way. I sure could use a win with Tardis.

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About Starstone

-Owned by horses. Writer, Photographer, Director, Musician.
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