I always have trouble updating my blog when I am not doing good in general, because I can’t find something positive to write about and I don’t want this blog to be too whiny. But I guess my silence has become quite ordinary by now.
If anyone was wondering from that start of this post; I am struggling at the moment. So far, nine days into 2018, I am pretty done with this year. Aside from all the trouble with the horses, my scooter suddenly fell prey to the frost. More to the point, the gas-handle froze, opening the gas, keeping the engine running, making me unable to stop the engine except for by turning the key.
I know that it only drives 40km pr hour, (30, but it went to 40 when it froze, don’t ask me why,) and that it is not too fast, but when you can’t stop, it is fast enough. And killing the engine by the key is not exactly advisable.
Of course this happened when the boyfriend and the car was not home, so I was stuck in the countryside, with no means of transportation. Now, I have two things I usually drive to; my stable and the gym. The gym, I can quit for a while, but my horses, not so much. Someone needs to feed them. I even considered walking to the stable. It’s only 5km.
This is where I am, I guess. Its easier to just imagine walking to the stable than to actually fix the problem at hand.
In the end, I did get the scooter to the shop and borrowed another one from them. Because in the end, even if I am struggling, I usually find my way out on the other side if I have to. Even if it is easier to just… not.
One of the things that kept me going last year, was the gym. More to the point, dancing zumba with a few of my friends. Recently, I lost that, and I don’t know how to recover the spark.
One of my friends and I, well we might not be the best dancers, but we had a lot of fun dancing with each other. And when we fucked up the steps, we made up our own. In time, it kind of became our thing, messing up together. We got quite good at that.
I did know that a lot of the others at the classes found us annoying, because these classes has a very special dynamic. No one makes mistakes. Everyone is deadly serious, standing in lines, taking one step forward, changing lines every time a song is over. Easily pushing the new ones to follow the lines, and keep up. Hardly anyone smiles or have fun. They just go through the motions, day in and day out, same steps, same lines, same songs…
I never liked coming in that group too much. Right from the beginning, I was missing the fun and the smiles. I do love the instructor though, and even if I became quite good at messing up, I never stopped feeling challenged by him and his choreographies. And when I found someone like myself, who actually came to the gym to work out and have fun, I kept coming back.
By December, there was Christmas songs. Now, I have quite an aversion to Christmas, but I played along, and my friend and I, found it easier to get me through it, by joking around even more.
In the end, some of the others stopped us. One of them took hold of my friend while we were dancing, and physically stopped her. After the song ended, another one started screaming at us.
This was in a room of approximately 40 people, all of who saw us get assaulted, and none of them did anything. The instructor, of course, tried to smooth things over, and while the girl who was screaming at us, for not doing the right steps, continued to throw a hissy fit, no one else interfered.
There is so many sides to this, I don’t even know where to start. To be honest, I don’t care that she screamed at us. I care about the other one, the one that took hold of my friend, even if my friend doesn’t seem too affected by that. It crosses a line for me, there is no coming back from.
And I do care that afterwards, every one has been pretending that nothing happened. They still talk to both me, and to the hissy fit girl. I can’t do that. All I am thinking, when I see the girl who screamed at us, is that she has children. Small children. I feel like I am greatly failing them, by letting them be raised by someone like that, but on the other hand, who am I to do anything about it? Someone who knows that she has an impossible temper and that she is easily irrational and even threatening towards strangers for practically no reason? So what?
In my head, if she has no boundaries towards strangers, I find it hard to imagine that she is not raising her children by mental abuse. Not that I know, of course, but just thinking it, makes me not want to be part of her life or her surroundings.
To be fair, she did apologize to my friend, a few days later. Never to me. And even if my friend accepted the apology, so much damage has been done to both of us, in different ways.
If it had been normal circumstances, I would have probably talked to the gyms management about it, but as it is, this particular center is kind of strange. Everyone is face book friends, everyone hangs out together before and after zumba, drinking coffee, or holding Tupperware parties at the gym. This is a tight knit group, of superficial friends, that has seen each other every day for years, and I honestly don’t feel like I would be heard at all.
Clearly, everyone is just ready to pretend it did not happen, while being (not so) secretly happy that my friend and I are done messing up.
While the instructor was on vacation, my friend and I have been dancing in the other centers’, and we got back to having fun. One of the other instructors even stopped the class and pointed to us, saying that we made her so happy, when she saw how we were playing.
The tone is just so different, in any other center, with any other instructor, and I am having a really hard time going back to military -boot- camp- zumba, when I could just go anywhere else and have fun.
Why would I, right?
Because these particular classes has kept me going for almost a year, and losing them, I feel like I am in a vacuum. There is a lot of great dance instructors at my gym, but none that could keep my interest for as long as this instructor has.
Right now, I am caught between being horribly sad to be quitting something that used to make me happy, and being even more sad at the thought of having to go to those classes.
Trust me to end up in a situation like this, right?
I just never did well with rules and mob mentality and I do think that taking a break from that center is a good idea, even if it has me devastated that I am letting other people affect me. I never used to care.
And I don’t. That’s the annoying part. I don’t care what they think of me. I am just developing a strong aversion to fitting in to their group. I do not want to be part of that center, part of that mentality, anymore, and I have no idea how to come there and… Just have them leave me alone.
I even wrote a long post for their face book group, but I ended up not posting it and deleting myself from the group instead. I don’t want to cause drama. Really, all I ever wanted was to go to the gym for exercise and, yes, to have fun.
I knew already last year, that the only thing that kept me a member of this gym, was this zumba instructor, and now I am not even going to his classes? Why am I not just walking away then?
Because I know me. I know that right now, everything is piling up in my head, making me overthink things, making me cry, making me feel like I am drowning. I know too, that it will pass. I will find my way out of this as well.
And maybe I’ll quit that gym, maybe that will be my way out. Maybe I’ll come back to those classes and ignore the others. Maybe I’ll find it in me to go back and pretend like everything is fine. Maybe I’ll stay at the gym and just not go to his zumba anymore. Either way, I can’t make any big dissensions right now. I have to let time solve some of these things for me.
But so far, yes. I am so very done with 2018.
I am gonna count on my next post to be a happy one though, so hang on. It might be a while.
Special thanks to Pia and Anni. Without you two, I would have quit the zumba classes even sooner than I did.