I always have trouble updating my blog when I am not doing good in general, because I can’t find something positive to write about and I don’t want this blog to be too whiny. But I guess my silence has become quite ordinary by now.

If anyone was wondering from that start of this post; I am struggling at the moment. So far, nine days into 2018, I am pretty done with this year. Aside from all the trouble with the horses, my scooter suddenly fell prey to the frost. More to the point, the gas-handle froze, opening the gas, keeping the engine running, making me unable to stop the engine except for by turning the key.

I know that it only drives 40km pr hour, (30, but it went to 40 when it froze, don’t ask me why,) and that it is not too fast, but when you can’t stop, it is fast enough. And killing the engine by the key is not exactly advisable.

Of course this happened when the boyfriend and the car was not home, so I was stuck in the countryside, with no means of transportation. Now, I have two things I usually drive to; my stable and the gym. The gym, I can quit for a while, but my horses, not so much. Someone needs to feed them. I even considered walking to the stable. It’s only 5km.

This is where I am, I guess. Its easier to just imagine walking to the stable than to actually fix the problem at hand.

In the end, I did get the scooter to the shop and borrowed another one from them. Because in the end, even if I am struggling, I usually  find my way out on the other side if I have to. Even if it is easier to just… not.

One of the things that kept me going last year, was the gym. More to the point, dancing zumba with a few of my friends. Recently, I lost that, and I don’t know how to recover the spark.

One of my friends and I, well we might not be the best dancers, but we had a lot of fun dancing with each other. And when we fucked up the steps, we made up our own. In time, it kind of became our thing, messing up together. We got quite good at that.

I did know that a lot of the others at the classes found us annoying, because these classes has a very special dynamic. No one makes mistakes. Everyone is deadly serious, standing in lines, taking one step forward, changing lines every time a song is over. Easily pushing the new ones to follow the lines, and keep up. Hardly anyone smiles or have fun. They just go through the motions, day in and day out, same steps, same lines, same songs…

I never liked coming in that group too much. Right from the beginning, I was missing the fun and the smiles. I do love the instructor though, and even if I became quite good at messing up, I never stopped feeling challenged by him and his choreographies. And when I found someone like myself, who actually came to the gym to work out and have fun, I kept coming back.

By December, there was Christmas songs. Now, I have quite an aversion to Christmas, but I played along, and my friend and I, found it easier to get me through it, by joking around even more.

In the end, some of the others stopped us. One of them took hold of my friend while we were dancing, and physically stopped her. After the song ended, another one started screaming at us.

This was in a room of approximately 40 people, all of who saw us get assaulted, and none of them did anything. The instructor, of course, tried to smooth things over, and while the girl who was screaming at us, for not doing the right steps, continued to throw a hissy fit, no one else interfered.

There is so many sides to this, I don’t even know where to start. To be honest, I don’t care that she screamed at us. I care about the other one, the one that took hold of my friend, even if my friend doesn’t seem too affected by that. It crosses a line for me, there is no coming back from.

And I do care that afterwards, every one has been pretending that nothing happened. They still talk to both me, and to the hissy fit girl. I can’t do that. All I am thinking, when I see the girl who screamed at us, is that she has children. Small children. I feel like I am greatly failing them, by letting them be raised by someone like that, but on the other hand, who am I to do anything about it? Someone who knows that she has an impossible temper and that she is easily irrational and even threatening towards strangers for practically no reason? So what?

In my head, if she has no boundaries towards strangers, I find it hard to imagine that she is not raising her children by mental abuse. Not that I know, of course, but just thinking it, makes me not want to be part of her life or her surroundings.

To be fair, she did apologize to my friend, a few days later. Never to me. And even if my friend accepted the apology, so much damage has been done to both of us, in different ways.

If it had been normal circumstances, I would have probably talked to the gyms management about it, but as it is, this particular center is kind of strange. Everyone is face book friends, everyone hangs out together before and after zumba, drinking coffee, or holding Tupperware parties at the gym. This is a tight knit group, of superficial friends, that has seen each other every day for years, and I honestly don’t feel like I would be heard at all.

Clearly, everyone is just ready to pretend it did not happen, while being (not so) secretly happy that my friend and I are done messing up.

While the instructor was on vacation, my friend and I have been dancing in the other centers’,  and we got back to having fun. One of the other instructors even stopped the class and pointed to us, saying that we made her so happy, when she saw how we were playing.

The tone is just so different, in any other center, with any other instructor, and I am having a really hard time going back to military -boot- camp- zumba, when I could just go anywhere else and have fun.

Why would I, right?

Because these particular classes has kept me going for almost a year, and losing them, I feel like I am in a vacuum. There is a lot of great dance instructors at my gym, but none that could keep my interest for as long as this instructor has.

Right now, I am caught between being horribly sad to be quitting something that used to make me happy, and being even more sad at the thought of having to go to those classes.

Trust me to end up in a situation like this, right?

I just never did well with rules and mob mentality and I do think that taking a break from that center is a good idea, even if it has me devastated that I am letting other people affect me. I never used to care.

And I don’t. That’s the annoying part. I don’t care what they think of me. I am just developing a strong aversion to fitting in to their group. I do not want to be part of that center, part of that mentality, anymore, and I have no idea how to come there and… Just have them leave me alone.

I even wrote a long post for their face book group, but I ended up not posting it and deleting myself from the group instead. I don’t want to cause drama. Really, all I ever wanted was to go to the gym for exercise and, yes, to have fun.

I knew already last year, that the only thing that kept me a member of this gym, was this zumba instructor, and now I am not even going to his classes? Why am I not just walking away then?

Why indeed.

Because I know me. I know that right now, everything is piling up in my head, making me overthink things, making me cry, making me feel like I am drowning. I know too, that it will pass. I will find my way out of this as well.

And maybe I’ll quit that gym, maybe that will be my way out. Maybe I’ll come back to those classes and ignore the others. Maybe I’ll find it in me to go back and pretend like everything is fine. Maybe I’ll stay at the gym and just not go to his zumba anymore. Either way, I can’t make any big dissensions right now. I have to let time solve some of these things for me.

But so far, yes. I am so very done with 2018.

I am gonna count on my next post to be a happy one though, so hang on. It might be a while.

Special thanks to Pia and Anni. Without you two, I would have quit the zumba classes even sooner than I did.

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Home Is Where The Heart Is

New Years Eve was calm on my pasture. The boys were super cool. I had way too much time to take pictures this year.

Marble ended up stressing a bit, dragging the gang with her, but Saleem quite quickly came to me, and asked for help, so I stayed with him and the boyfriend stayed with Tardis. Once Alpha and Beta were calm, the little ones eased up. It was a clear night, but luckily there was not too much fireworks too close by.

We left the pasture at around 1 am, and by then, everything was super quiet. All in all, I  started thinking that I was too much of a mother hen, for even insisting that we spend midnight on the pasture. The kiddos did fine. They would have made it through on their own.

And then I arrived the next morning.

To find my gate open.

Not just the gate, but the electric fence behind it, had been disconnected. Glass bottles had been shattered in the opening.

Luckily, the kiddoes has all stayed home and none of them gone near the disconnected fence or the glass, much less the open gate.

Looking around, I discovered quickly that someone had been on my pasture with a knife, slashing all my wrapped hay open.

I will admit, that the economical loss of all this hay going bad now that it has been opened, is a huge blow for me, but to be honest, I think I was lucky. If I had not just had the hay delivered, the open gate would have looked much more open to the horses. As it was, the hay was kind of blocking the gate.

I choose to believe that this is some dumb ass young people, being drunk and stupid on New Years Eve. I choose to believe that they had a knife and found it amusing to cut open the hay. Not everybody knows that when wrapped hay is opened, it goes bad quickly.

But the open gate, I cannot comprehend. I can even, sort of excuse the shattered glass in the opening, because drunk people may not think what happens, and perhaps they just thought it fun to shatter the bottles and it happened to be in the gate by chance.

But opening the gate, on a pasture with 5 horses, is in my world, attempted murder. It is exactly the same as when kids throw rocks off the bridges onto the cars on the freeway. Stupid, malicious, and insanely dangerous.

I know, that from my point of view, losing my horses would be an impossible loss, but most people don’t care about animals. Even if you are one of those people, with no empathy for animals, you have to realize that human lives are in danger, when you release 5 horses into traffic.

When a horse gets hit by a car, its legs break and it lands on the windshield, killing the people in the front seat. I cannot understand how the police is not treating it as a pretty serious matter, because to me, whom ever opened that gate, endangered peoples lives.

Truth is though, that the police doesn’t care at all. For them, some lost hay is a small matter, and no one got hurt.

For me, the ramifications are enormous. I don’t know how to feel safe again. How to protect my babies. The fact that someone was ON my pasture with a knife, and broken glass, opening the gate… How am I ever going to go to bed at night and not fear for the lives of those I love the most in this world?

How am I ever going to not fear what I find when I show up in the morning?

I will say, that I shared the pictures and the story on face book, and people have been amazing. The post has been shared more than a thousand times, and people in the local gym, who doesn’t have horses at all, has stopped me and shared their concern for me and my horses. Tons of people has offered to buy my opened hay, or trade it for closed bales, and all in all, the local support has been amazing. Thank you, every single one of you! ❤

Another thing that this episode has led to, is that it kicked me awake, I guess. For a long time, I have been coasting by, feeding hay, filling up water, doing what needed to be done, trying not to worry and not really interacting with the kiddoes, blaming the rain, or the mud, or whatever. I always had an excuse to run off as soon as possible.

Now, I find myself recovering from this zombie state I have been in, and finding the mother-bear inside my, that I used to be known for. Instead of wondering if Saleem’s teeth is too much of a permanent problem, (because he has been losing weight a lot,) I went out and bought special food for him. So what if he needs extra treatment? I am not accepting that he is losing weight and I am not giving up on him. I will take the time and make sure he eats, every single day, even if it means that I don’t get to go to the gym and dance every morning. Who cares anyway, Saleem is much, much more important.

And I will handle that the others are fat and can’t be fed when Saleem eats, I will solve every f**** problem with my gang, rather than just look away and pretend that everything is going to get better when spring comes and it stops raining.

As much as I feel utterly helpless when it comes to defending my kiddoes against stupid people, I AM able to help them with a lot of other things. And aside from finding special food for Saleem, we have been setting up motion sensors and light, and cameras, and of course, locks on every gate.

I guess that as much as I already despise 2018, it has me fighting again and that is good. I missed that part of me. I don’t know when I stopped fighting, but I am glad to have rekindled my fire.

I will leave you with a link to my instagram, and a stupid video I made yesterday, because I did not go to the gym and one of the girls I usually dance with dared me to make a sexy video of me dancing at home instead. Well, this is my home. This is my family.


Home is where the heart is. And I have five ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤


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Happy New Year

I have not written much this year. Actually, looking back on 2017, I wonder what did happen this year. It mostly just flew by.

Most significantly, I guess, is that the boyfriend and I moved. Settling in at our new place has been great, even if it is kind of far away from everything. I would have become utterly isolated without my scooter, but as it is, it has been great to finally have something that is just our own. The cats took the move very well.



It has been a quiet year with the kiddos as well. Luckily, I guess.

They have mostly been pretty happy and able to entertain themselves. Since I have completely lost interest in riding, that is great. Also, I love seeing them wild and free, and unrestrained.

Yes, Apocalipse and Saleem always make for dramatic pictures. But mostly we are pretty chill.

I haven’t played a lot of games this year either. Mostly just mobile games, and since I broke with the local Pokemon team, that has been taking up less and less of my time as well.

Those of you who know me now, might think I play a lot. I don’t. It’s been worse. Much, much worse.

I did participate in Gishwhes again this year, and this time as team captain. That was possibly one of the greatest things this year. I loved being captain, I loved not sleeping much all week, I loved watching my team blossom and shine.

In every possible way, these guys were superstars. We had so much fun and did so many things we never imagined we would. I got eaten by zombies. No offence, but my vampire mates were useless…

I let one of my friends, and teammates, shave Gishwhes into the back of my head.

Signe and I got to live up to our girl on girl tradition and do a Lady and the Tramp shot. (All vegan, BTW.)

I got to be a… what was it? Nevermind. I got to hide in the back of my uncles car. It was late, we were tired and the deadline was drawing near. It made sense at the time. I still love the shot.

Long time friend of mine, Jen, who I met on WordPress 7 years ago, joined my team, (Check out her blog, “Forgetting to Breathe”) and we got to do the Kale head piece together, all the way across the continents.

Yes, Gishwhes was definitely a high point this year. I loved every second of it. Almost. Not counting the endless hours in the escape room. I’m pretty sure I’m still a wrasse…

I did manage to release one book this year, book four in the Legacy Series, Torchlight.

12 books so far. I should write more. I will. New year resolution. Finish the Legacy series.

Fingers crossed I will.

Right after Gishwhes, I dragged Signe and my sister with me to pride.

I guess that should be mentioned, as it does matter a great deal to me, even if the whole show made me feel kind of ambivalent at the time. I still count on Signe and I going again next year.


Strangely enough, this year I got myself together enough to actually go to the grave site of my childhood friend, who died a long time ago. I have not been able to make myself do that before. Not sure if it did any good, but at least I managed to take that step.

But really, what have I been doing this year? Gishwhes? I have not been writing, I have not been riding, I have seriously cut back on my gaming…

Yeah, I have been feeding my new obsession, I guess. The gym.


As much as I joined the gym because I needed to stay in shape, to make up for my various injuries, I found that I kept coming back because its fun. I like being in control of my body, and I will say that I have found some great instructors and some amazing girls to train with over the last year.


And yes, insanely enough, I have been dancing a lot. I even managed to drag my sister in law with me for a Michale Jackson event.

And my twin for the new year event, even though she absolutely do not dance.

I just can’t pass up a chance to be a rainbow. Rainbows rock. 20% cooler, one might say…

Mostly, I am being totally unfair here, because the main reason why I am dancing so much lately, is because of this one guy, who is insanely inspiring.

It takes a special kind of person to keep up with him. Nina, you are awesome 😉

I will admit, that once in a while, I get super tired of how little I get this. That’s when I am happy to go back to my girls and the other instructors. And that’s when I become stubborn and come back.

We celebrated Christmas at our new place this year, which was awesome. Vegan, close to the horses, home with the cats… And I even weaseled out of getting a tree by just decorating one of our plants.

And now, I better wrap this up, as I a going to the stable before midnight, so I can be with the kiddos when the fireworks start. They were super cool last year, but I am not. I need to know they are safe.

Happy new year everypony! Don’t forget to shine!

Thanks to all my friends, family, and followers for putting up with me for yet another year. You are all my heroes! Stay safe. ❤

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There is a strange kind of serenity to snow. I don’t know if it is the color, brightening up the world, or if it is the clear frost air, but snow always make me happy.

Maybe it is just because, as an equestrian in Denmark, what you see most is rain and mud, and when the snow finally comes, it is such a nice break from being wet and dirty all the time.

I hate the winter, to be honest. I am sick and tired of going to the stable in the dark, rainy evenings, I despise the mornings where there is no sun until 9 am. I hate wet gloves, wet socks, wet f**** underwear if you forget your rain clothes for just a second.

Lately, I have been wondering how long I can keep it up. I knew when I quit working at the stables and moved my horses to an isolated pasture, that I was done with the equestrian world, but the truth is, I think I am really done being an equestrian as well.

I don’t miss riding, I don’t miss competing, I don’t miss the people. None of it. And most days, I feel like I am spending all of my money on something that has become a bitter chore.

I am not sure how I changed. Maybe it was when Poseidon died, after all. Maybe not desperately clinging to his right to live took away the need I had to keep going. Maybe I am just sick of always being responsible for someone else’s life. I got my first horse when I was 12 years old and I haven’t missed a day at the stable since. (Except for a month spent at the hospital, I believe.) Maybe I would just like to know what it is like to wake up in the morning and get out of bed for my own sake, and not because I had to, because someone else depended on me.

I know that the boyfriend has been very stressed with his job lately, and that is not helping. Basically all of our problems could be solved if we did not have the horses. He would be free to look for another job, any job really, and I would not have to be wet and cold all the time. Imagine that.

We could pretty much do whatever we wanted, if we did not have horses. Back in the day, when we both loved spending time at the stable together, it did not matter that we were always broke and struggling to pay our bills, but lately, we are mostly taking turns feeding the horses, so when he goes, I don’t have to, and the other way around.

I don’t have to.

Just thinking that way makes me sad. These are my babies. They are my life. They are the life I chose, a long time ago, and I know that I am not letting them go until they draw their last breaths, but it sure is becoming increasingly difficult for me to find joy in being an equestrian.

Aside from the rain, I think I am just really tired of feeling like a failure all the time. Like no matter what I do, it is never quite enough.

Marble is always a little unhappy, always a little off beat when she walks. She has been through x rays and ultrasounds and has spend months on painkillers trying to stretch her tendons, and the truth is, she is probably never quite pain free.

I think that most of the time, when she is playing or grazing with the others, she is happy, and since I am never planning on riding her, it is okay if she is a little lame. She handles it. But it is a lot of pressure, owning a horse like that. Every time she snaps at me, or becomes defensive towards me, I wonder if it is learned behavior, (reflective response,) or if she is in trouble. And I feel that in both cases, I should do better somehow. I am just hitting a brick wall with her.

Tardis has days where she is hardly eating. She has cushings, and I know that the medication can cause depression and anorexia, and every time I see her sleeping, I wonder if she is being overdosed.

Objectively, I know too, that she is the beta mare and that she is supposed to be sleeping when the rest of the herd is grazing, and that when she is not eating, it is probably because she is tired. I just can’t quiet the voice in my head, that keep telling me that she is sick, and I will lose her, probably in a rather painful way, one day.

Mostly, she is really happy though, and I probably worry way too much. But hey, that’s who I am. If I can find a way to feel like I am not doing good enough, I will run down that path instantly.

Saleem has hardly left the house for a week now. I never see him outside. I have had to check if his feet were wet lately, because I feed him in the house, and he even started using the water cup, which they have been refusing to touch for a year now.

He DOES go out, his feet has been wet once in a while. Still, when he withdraws like that, I have to wonder yet again. Why?

He is thin at the moment, and no matter what I do, how many times my vet checks his teeth, or how much parasite treatment he gets, I cannot make him gain weight. Perhaps he is just feeling the cold more than the others, because he is skinny. But why the f’*** can he not put on weight?

Apocalipse just had two weeks with swollen legs. No reason, just… swollen. Mostly the hind legs, but when I found him lying down one morning, it was all four of them. He is 7 years old, and has access to a pasture and exercise 24-7. Why is his legs swelling up?

I know. There could be a thousand different reasons. He could have a minor infection, a virus most likely, causing him to gather fluid in his tissue. He could have eaten something slightly poisonous.

Of course, I am instantly reminded of his mother. Amalia’s legs were always swelling up, but she spent most of her life in a stall. (Different times then.) It got much better when she got out on the pasture, but when her heart was failing in the end, her legs were swelling up again.

Of course, I am instantly wondering if he is developing her heart failure. They were less swollen today, but the rain has stopped and he has actually been grazing today, rather than just standing still…

Ablaze is pretty happy, I guess. Aside from me, always worrying that he will develop his mother’s cushings, and wondering if I could do anything to help him make sure that won’t happen.

So yes, with the rain, mud and the constant feeling like I am coming up short, I have seriously started looking forward to some day in the distant future, when I will no longer be an equestrian. When hay and frozen water and antibiotics will be a distant memory.

And then, it snows.

The light changes, the mud goes away, my socks stop being wet… Saleem comes outside. And I remember why I love my guys more than anything in the world.

They are my sanity. They are my sanctuary. They are the air I breathe.

They are, and always will be, what makes me smile and no matter how many tears they make me cry as well, they will always be worth it.

They are saving my life, every single day, just by being here.

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My Little Pony – The Movie – 2017

“Friendship comes in many colors” 

I’ve been a little torn about the new My Little Pony Movie. Honestly, I have loved the hype around it in the fandom more than the movie itself. Not that it’s bad, don’t get me wrong, it’s just not… As good as the show.

I have been a part of the My Little Pony fandom since I was born, I grew up watching the first, cruel episodes, back in 1984, and I was terrified of the Dark Lord Tirek who caught ponies and turned them into dragons, forcing them to pull his wagon, or the strange witch Catrina who caught and enslaved everything that moved. Contrary to what most people believe, MLP is not, and never was, just a cute and pink show for little girls.

It is cute, yes. It is pink, yes. It is for girls, yes. But really, it is so much more.

And back in the 80ties, it was more heavy metal than the heavy metal scene, and now, with the Friendship is Magic series, it is the best, most well produced, well written, show on air at the moment.

I was super excited when they announced that the movie would be made. After all, the original “mlp the movie” from 1986 is still a hit, and the rebooted show is awesome.


I play Gameloft’s mobile pony game, which practically took me through the story line of the new movie before it aired, and add to that, Sia published her video for Rainbow, which filled in what ever blanks the game might have left, so long before the movie was even in the cinemas, I knew what it was about, and basically, how it would end.

(Love the song, by the way.) 

I then discovered that the Danish cinemas would not air it in English, even though a lot of us wrote and asked them too. They maintained that MLP is for children and that airing it for an adult audience would be a waste of their money. I keep being impressed by that kind of thinking. How can people still think that it is children who watches this show? I mean, sure, kids watch it. But it is us who grew up with the ponies, who spend money on them.

Anyway, I ended up not going to see it at the cinema. I cannot handle Applejack with some dumb Danish farmer accent. I will suffer through a lot, for my ponies, but there, I draw a line. This is an animated show. The voice actors are a HUGE part of the characters.

I have seen it though.

Now, I know that a lot of the fandom didn’t like the new way it was animated. I kind of think that was a good idea, since it is so far from the show. It had to set itself apart from the series, because the story line is nothing like the show.

I will admit, I missed Starlight. I know that the movie has been in production for 3 years, or something like that, and that back when the story was written, Starlight was a fleeting guest star, but it felt super weird now, that she was not there.

These days, in the series, Starlight is practically the main character, and in this movie, no one ever mentioned her name. I would have wished that maybe they could have worked with the producers of the series and figured out how to anticipate that kind of things.

Also, when Tempest captures the Princesses, she says, “All four princesses,” and I’m instantly looking around for Princess Flurryheart, because Equestria has 5 princesses now. And no offence, but Flurryheart would have kicked her ass… If you were the Storm King, looking for magic, who cares about Cadance and Twilight? Really, even Luna and Celestia. Just get the alicorn baby. All the magic you need, right there.

But yeah, Flurryheart was not in the movie. Was she not born when they wrote it? I mean, it has been quite a long time, hasn’t it? How was she not in the movie?

Anyway. I like it that they expand the world, to the lands outside Equestria. That is a bold move, creating a world like that, where Celestia is not the ruler and where the ponies are not safe while traveling. It gives the story a touch of something greater, something bigger than just the world we know.

The movie has a lot of great characters in it as well, however predictable they are, most of them. Cappers, selling them out, but helping them in the end, because Rarity was nice to him. Princess Skystar, leaving their underwater hiding place to go fight for the freedom of equestria, even if her people dared not follow. The Storm King, turning on Tempest in the end…

I mean, how was she even working for him to begin with? She was always so, so much more than him.

And here is where the story gets me after all.

No matter how much I dislike that is is not in tune with the series, that there are WAY too many songs and that is IS written for a younger audience than the show usually is, there is no avoiding Tempest.

She was injured as a foal, her unicorn horn broken. She grew up alone, hiding from the other ponies, living outside Equestria, believing that she was broken and needed to be fixed. She ended up with the Storm King, a dictator whose IQ level was so low that one has to wonder why anyone ever followed him, helping him steal magic so he could become powerful enough to restore her horn.

To mend her.

I was holding my breath at the end of the movie, when Twilight and Tempest had their scene alone. I was terrified that Twilight would find some way to fix that broken horn. Or that she would promise Tempest that they would find a way to do it someday.

And here is why I love my little pony.

Twilight did not.

She just told Tempest that that horn seemed pretty powerful as it was.

Basically, I see your scars, but they healed, and you are not broken. You will never be what you were before, but what you are, is perfect as it is. Live with your past. The future is still yours and it can be anything you make it.

That’s a lesson to think about, I guess.

(Best song from the movie. The one that is closest to the sound on the series as well.) 

So, should you watch it?

If you are a kid, yes. Absolutely. That goes for little boys too, by the way. Because guess what, my little pony is not just for girls.

If you are part of the fandom, and you love the series, then yes. Don’t miss it. You will be entertained, you will have a thousand new songs to sing, and you will snicker about how much cider Rainbow Dash gets away with drinking.

If you are not a child, or part of the fandom, then I guess, no. This is not the movie that will open up your eyes to the beauty of my little pony. It will enforce your idea that is is a cute, pink show with a lot of happy dancing rainbows and unicorns. Watch the series instead. Seriously. Not miss out on that. But don’t start with the movie.

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